What the Cat Heard

Some of you may not know this, but I actually have a gift for languages. It's true. I possess the amazing ability to translate between human and cat. Prepare to be amazed:

What I said:
"Ed! Quit trying to lick my bread, damnit!!"
What Ed heard:
"Ed, do you mind replacing all the butter on my bread with cat spit? That would be awesome."

What I said:
"It is way too hot in here."
What the cat heard:
"I wish I had 10 pounds of vibrating fur on my chest."

What I said:
"I think I'll read a book."
What the cat heard:
"This book would be so much more enjoyable with a big cat butt in the middle of it."

What I said:
"Hey, leave my knitting alone!!"
What the cat heard:
"If only these socks had some loops and strings hanging off them....can any of you cats think of a way to get that effect?"

What I said:
"Ed, MUST you keep wadding up the rug in front of the fireplace?"
What Ed heard:
"Ed, thank goodness I have you. Someone keeps actually putting that rug down FLAT. Can you imagine?"

What I said:
"EEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!"
What the cat heard:
"Hey, love that dead thing you brought me. Do you know where you can get more?"

What I said:
"You know you're not allowed on the counter."
What the cat heard:
"You're just so darned cute....and look--now you're up where I can reach you better to pet you!"

What I said:
"Ow--quit kneading on me!"
What the cat heard:
"Would you mind poking a few more holes in my thighs? I think the cheesecloth look is coming back in style, even for skin."

A note here: I used to have a co-worker who insisted on referring to her cat's kneading as "making pies", no doubt because it appeared that he was kneading dough. I found this to be painfully cute, and inaccurate, seeing as how kneading actually toughens pie dough. However, Ed has a habit when he's terribly happy of lifting one paw off the ground and continuing to make kneading motions with it in thin air. Somehow, referring to that as "Ed making Air Pies" is actually okay and not overly cute at all. Go figure.

What I said:
"Gussie, can you for wool's sake settle down and quit pacing across my lap?!!"
What Gussie heard:
"Hey, I'd really like to see your butt up close if you don't mind. Just shove it right in my face."

What I said:
"Make up your mind, Ed. In or out."
What Ed heard:
"Can I do anything for you besides hold the door? Really, it's my honor."

What I said:
"Kitties don't get table food."
What the cat heard:
"Dude--you should TOTALLY try this stuff! It's awesome!!"

What I said:
"I'll feed you in a minute--stop pestering me!"
What the cat heard:
"Can you keep reminding me what you want? I want to be sure I have it absolutely right."

What I said:
"Hey, I got you this great new toy! It was way expensive, but I think you'll love it."
What the cat heard:
"Under no circumstances must you ever, EVER play with or show interest in this item."

What I said:
"Wait until you taste this great new cat food I just bought a whole case of!"
What the cat heard:
"This cat food is made of floor sweepings at the hot dog factory. If you eat it, you're completely insane."

What I said:
"Ed, you've got to quit shoving your head into my face in the middle of the night!"
What Ed heard:
"Hey, can I get a standing wake-up call for about 2:15am?"

What I said:
"Hang on, hang on--I just have to get to the end of this row!"
What the cat heard:
"Could you rescue me from these sticks and this string? Go ahead, just tug on 'em a bit, or chew on 'em, maybe."

I'm hoping to get a grant to continue my research, only this time into the language centers of husbands. That one may not be solved quite as easily.