The Life and Times of Florence Knitingale

Friday, February 02, 2007

A Day in the Life of Ed

Ms. K's brain has, regrettably, exploded due to overfilling with Lewis dot structures, conventions for naming ionic compounds (what type of hotel do they hold those conventions at, I wonder?), and electronegative character (whatever the hell that may be). For that reason, Ed has generously offered to guest blog.

4:00am If spending the night in the house (advisable during the cold winter months), arise no later than this time. Go upstairs to bedroom. It is tempting to allow humans to set their own schedule but you can't. If you do, next thing you know they'll be sleeping when they want, eating when they want, and never giving the cat a taste. Not acceptable.
4:05am Select smaller, less hairy human (the larger, hairier one has a dreadful habit of tossing the cat out when awakened prematurely). Climb up on smaller human's stomach. Purr.
4:10am If human has not stirred, step towards the head. Place front feet on soft, squishy things on front of human's chest and dig toes in. Purr more. Knead with claws if need be.
4:15am Smear nose all over human's face while still digging toes into squishy things. (Note to self: remember to make certain nose is wet for this.) Purr loudly.
4:20am If human attempts to pet, stroke, cuddle and otherwise placate so as not to get out of bed, begin to meow. (Smaller human will get up so as not to allow larger human to be awakened.)
4:25am Stand on edge of bed while human puts on clothes. If she gets close enough, shove head into her leg. (Note to self: remember to watch timing, here. It is most satisfying when human is standing on one leg to put sweatpants on because then she tips over and hisses words such as "damnit!" and "For wool's sake, Ed!")
4:30am Follow human into bathroom. If she sits down, leap into her lap and meow. Human will want time to brush teeth; wind around legs and meow more loudly if this happens. If all else fails, pry open door with paw so that light from bathroom threatens to awaken larger human. Watch smaller human leap to bathroom door with toothbrush hanging from mouth. Dodge dripping toothpaste and spit.
4:35am Follow human downstairs. Remember unfortunate kicking incident and avoid winding around human's legs on darkened stairs (no one was happy with that one).
4:40am Follow human around with increasingly frantic meowing as she opens cat food. Remain as close to feet as possible. Follow to plate. Stare at food as if it were a moldy slug. Glare at human. Do not eat food until human walks away.
Later morning hours: If both humans leave and weather is cold, advisable to settle onto couch for post-breakfast nap. Remember that humans have arranged it so that I can let self out but not back in (something about my bringing semi-dead rodents into the house....humans are such babies). If smaller human is staying home, play games with her, such as:
1. Wait until human is seated on couch with pointy sticks and ball of string. Climb onto her lap and purr. Knead vigorously and butt head against human's hands. Meow once or twice. Continue this behavior until human puts down pointy sticks and string. Then walk away. If human attempts to cajole back to lap, turn back on her and twitch tail in an irritated fashion. Do not return to lap until she has resumed stick and string activity. Repeat from the beginning. (Note to self: human is tired of this game when she starts using entire name, as in "DamnitEd, what do you WANT??" Take this opportunity to retire to the back of the couch.)
2. Pretend to sleep and wait for human to forget presence. Watch as she does the sticks and string. Quietly reach out and take string in mouth. Spit heavily on it. Humans love this game, as evidenced by the shouted"Ed! For the sake of all that's wooly, what in the hell are you doing???" This game cannot usually be repeated successfully. However, can occasionally snag string with paw in relative safety if let go when asked.
3. If human goes to get snack, follow around kitchen and meow loudly. Do not accept kitty treats or anything else that is offered by the human. Wait until human is seated with snack. Climb quickly onto lap and lick food nearest to self. If there are multiple pieces, attempt to lick all of them. If given a piece, walk away without eating.
4. If human attempts to play with toy mouse or other so-called cat-toy, wash disdainfully and ignore. Can justify playing if can snag human hand with claws in the process.
5. Once bored, go outside, wander around.
6. Wait five minutes, come to door. Cry to be let in.
7. Once in, wait five minutes and go outside.
8. Wait five minutes, cry at door.
9. Repeat steps 5 - 8 as long as human will play. Time carefully if raining, so that human stops playing while cat is INSIDE.
10. If human decides to play with computer, sit on human's lap. Gaze into her face and do not allow her to look around to the computer screen. Walk around in circles to find a comfortable position. Bump human's hands frequently. When human finally gets to the point of shouting, leap from lap with claws extended and land on keyboard. Run FAST.
11. If human stops typing and makes lap available, take it...but sit on the very edge so that human is forced to support body with one hand and can't type. Dig in claws if human attempts to push self further onto lap, or tries to let go.
12. When larger, hairier human gets home, lavish him with attention and ignore smaller human who has been meeting my needs all day.

Monica, thank you for the compliment about my swirled side. In truth, I am swirled on both sides and have far more swirls than stripes all over. I am glad to finally be appreciated for the feline superiority that I clearly possess. I don't know for certain about the Celtic thing....but I'll go with it if they eat turkey.

6 Comments:

  • At 2:39 PM, Blogger Robin said…

    ROFLMAO!! Ed you are a riot! I have just one question...do you call Mr Ace (and other kitties) and conspire while we humans are at work?

     
  • At 3:01 PM, Blogger Marianne said…

    That's it...Ed and Smooch definitely need to shack up, they were absolutely meant for each other...

    (honestly, Ms.K, I have tears running down my face, I was nearly screaming with hysterical laughter)

     
  • At 3:54 PM, Anonymous MonicaPDX said…

    Oh, oh, oh... Laughing too hard. Can't stop. Dying here, I can't breathe!

    Ed, so gracious of you to guest blog. What an excellent piece! Please thank your human for us, and leave our hopes that her brain recovers. And thank you for teling me more about your swirls. I am truly honored. (And in love.)
    Alas, the Celts had no turkey, but perhaps they could have arranged something with the Vikings who went to Vinland. You really don't want to bother with the Celts after those saints started wandering all over and spoiling the fun, even if some of the Irish monks did get to the New World and thus, possibly, a supply of turkey. Wouldn't pheasant or duck be acceptable? It sounds like they were much more fun before all that missionary stuff. Plus there were lots of exciting activies like livestock raids and hunting and taking heads in battle, and they thought humans could gain wisdom from animals, and believed in reincarnation, which fits in nicely with your own nine lives - and when you die, you go to the Summerland! Imagine, lying around in the summer with adoring humans until you decide who you want to come back as. Really, I think that'd be worth the lack of turkey.

    PS - re that 4:10 a.m. point. You would've gotten along great with my Siamese, Lu Ahng. Have you tried the mouth next to ear position, and letting out a long yowl? That was her favorite trick after the 4:10 maneuver. Of course, if helps if you have a Siamese voice. Practically guaranteed the human will try to imitate you by clinging to the ceiling with their inadequate claws, after a startling feat of almost cat-like levitation. Much entertainment can be had with this method. However, be sure not be be on the human when employing it. One could get squashed between ceiling and human.

     
  • At 6:17 PM, Anonymous Gonzo said…

    Ed, you are positivly meant for me. My human won't let me play with her sticks and string either.
    Humans just aren't any fun unless there's food involved.

     
  • At 2:44 AM, Anonymous Smooch said…

    Snuffle....oh ED, my human is sleeping....but not for long...I did read the comment she left..shack up indeed...erm,meow, how's about it?
    Time to go wake her up...I'll be thinking about you.....Gonzo,eh? well, we could always try a threesome.........

     
  • At 9:18 AM, Blogger Charity said…

    Oh, for the love of Ed! :0)

     

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