How to Treat Blog Block

Subtitle: 25 things to do rather than biting the bullet and writing in your blog when you can't think of a single clever thing to say, and you've already checked e-mail, read everyone else's blog, and sat importantly in front of the computer for half an hour.

1. Change the sheets....slowly. Encourage husband to lie on half-made bed to watch the playoff game. After all, you can't write until you're done with the bed.

2. Do a google search on sock yarn and stare longingly at forbidden pleasures (stash diet, remember).

3. Look up yarn dying on google because after all, how hard can it be? (Remind self that the phrase "how hard can it be?" is code for "I'm a complete and total idiot and deserve what is undoubtedly going to befall me.")

4. Water plants, ignoring their screams of protest (they know who has the black thumb in this house.)

5. Attempt to play with completely disinterested cat. Call him an ingrate when he yawns and goes to sleep.

6. Read entire Sunday paper, including 12 pounds of advertising. Ignore husband when he asks what in the world you could possibly want in "Tire World" circular--and why you're still staring at it 20 minutes later. Try to remember how to make hats out of newspaper.

7. Consider learning to play guitar. Remember do not have guitar.

8. Consider playing flute. Remember that, while do have flute, flute playing days are at least 20 years in the past, and no one probably wants to hear a sound like someone strangling a yak on a Sunday afternoon.

9. Pick up knitting "just for a few minutes while I think." When asked an hour later what happened to the "few minutes", wave hand dismissively while saying "It's a time-space continuum thing, unique to fast knitters. You wouldn't get it." Realize belatedly that scientist husband is unlikely to fall for this one.

10. Chocolate may help. Comb house for chocolate. Contemplate possible health risks/ick factor of eating m&m from between couch cushions. Realize that these factors are in fact somewhat affected by presence of spectators of which there are none. Eat m&m and wait for flash of brilliance.

11. Begin to plan next sock project, even though not finished with current one. Tell self this will only take five minutes and may provide blog inspiration. Laugh at self, continue anyway.

12. Channel surf to see why men like it so much. Get sucked into informercial promising thinner thighs in 2.5 seconds with no work and a diet of pure fat and sugar. Come out of trance when feel brain leaking out of ears. Turn off TV.

13. Consider painting toenails. Remember incident involving favorite fleece pants, irritated cat, half an ounce of "Seduction Red" and approximately $150 worth of assorted cleaning products. Reconsider this option.

14. Attempt to work out numerically how much healthier it is to eat baked cheese puffs that taste like styrofoam packing peanuts than it is to eat cheetos. Realize that should have paid attention more in last algebra class. Eat the styrofoam, wish for the cheetos.

15. Decide to make Broadripple socks for mother as next project. Spend 20 minutes searching for dpns in the right size. Spend 20 more picking up and putting away 736 assorted needles that are NOT the right size.

16. Examine current sweater project for the 128th time to see if really, REALLY like it enough to continue. Find camera and take picture after fiddling around with lighting and contrast and so forth as if actually had even a passing understanding of any of it.

17. See how long it takes to eat a gummi bear by just sucking on it. Realize can still vividly remember Tootsie Pop commercial about "how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?" (you know, the one with the little boy and the owl.) Realize how terribly old this makes me.

18. Wonder why people always call owls wise, but no other animal. You never hear anyone saying they should consult the wise old wombat.

19. Consider dinner party. Plan elaborate menu, down to dessert of individual chocolate lava cakes in little ramekins. Remember do not have ramekins. Remember do not like parties. Give this idea up.

20. Bring husband a Pepsi in his shop. Amuse him with entertaining anecdotes until realizing that his eyes have glazed over and he is drooling the Pepsi. Decide to be merciful and leave him alone.

21. Sort sock drawer. Realize that 41 is probably too old to have socks with otters on them. Wonder why do not have cow socks. Wonder how hard it would be to knit cow socks. Consider that cows are way more mature than otters so can wear at 41.

22. Consider teaching a class on rationalization, seeing as apparently have natural talent.

23. Unravel lavender thrift store sweater (wool, cashmere, angora blend) from stash. Pet it while thinking of blog ideas. Realize that probably look like villain in old spy movie only with lavender yarn instead of cat. Decide that this is at least somewhat cool.

24. Look for perfect pattern for lavender fingerless mitts. Add this to truly dizzying list of "knits to do". Think, not for the first time, that knitting may very well be an illness.

25. Remember have chemistry test and A & P quiz tomorrow. Begin full-scale panic as suddenly cannot recall a single part of the heart which actually knew quite well yesterday. Ponder the intricacies of the 41-year old brain. Consider getting one. Until then, read class notes about the heart.

There may be some sort of clue in here as to why I've never written a novel.....will avoid writing tomorrow by considering this.