The Life and Times of Florence Knitingale

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

My Booty, and Other Things

First things first: My booty. No, you perverts. Not THAT one. This one:


See, you guys thought I was making it up, didn’t you? The actual stuff looks sort of like popcorn:

And it’s clearly pretty well liked:


(Yes, I threw away the cat-spitty ones.)

Second thing: I finished the Pretty Petals socks, and love them:


That I love them so much is only partly due to the fact that I had enough yarn to finish them when I was quite worried that I would not...but it would be fair to say that I would have a proportionate amount of hatred for them if I hadn't.

Third thing: Ed is happy to have a fireplace and does not care whether or not I have wonderful socks:


Speaking of the above cat, the forth thing a story about moles. You know how they say not to make a mountain out of a molehill? Yeah, just try that with these:

Huge, yes? I swear, I half expect to come home one day and find them all wearing little hardhats and driving a bulldozer or something. I already asked Mr. K to make sure none of his shovels are missing. Now, the weird thing is that we own (or are owned by) a number of cats, three of whom are avid hunters. They routinely kill such delectable treats as voles, mice, shrews, squirrels, chipmunks, bats, birds, frogs, snakes, and rabbits, and I know this because they’re ever so proud of their hunting prowess and feel compelled to bring me the trophies. I don’t know if they imagine that I have a den somewhere with little tiny heads mounted all over the walls or what…but they really don’t feel the hunting experience is complete if they haven’t made me shriek and retch as I step out into the garage. (Since I’d rather have a dead mouse in the garage than a live one in the house, I try to remain loving and positive while shrieking but this is easier said than done; fortunately, Mr. K is a good sport about doing body dump duty.) ANYWAY, it seems to me that cats who have successfully debunnied about a two block radius should be able to take out a mole or two….wouldn’t you think?

Sadly, the little hunters have not brought me the body of a single mole, and I was forced to conclude that perhaps moles just taste bad. Okay, quit laughing. Obviously they would taste bad to me…but I figured maybe they taste like….whatever it is that tastes bad to cats. You know, like that 10 pound bag of cat food that I paid through the ass for because they loved it the last time and now they’d starve before they’d let a morsel of it cross their lips? Like that. (You’ll notice I didn’t say they taste like ass….from my observations, cats actually LIKE ass, so they probably don’t taste like that.)

I was quite happy with my delusions until the neighbor came by one day. I had noticed that one of our cats frequently goes over to that neighbor’s yard and I took the opportunity to say that I hoped the cat wasn’t a bother. You know what’s coming, don’t you? The neighbor assured me that our cat wasn’t a bother at all—because HE EATS ALL THEIR MOLES. I kid you not. The little snot is eating the NEIGHBOR’S moles while OUR moles are busily constructing Mt. Rodent in the back yard.

I have tried to affix some logic to this, but can only come up with these possibilities:

Our moles are low fat, low sugar moles that leave that nasty metallic taste in your mouth.
Our neighbor’s moles are bacon-wrapped and cheese-stuffed.
Our neighbors provide an assortment of mole dipping sauces.
Our neighbor's yard had a better wine list than ours.
Our cats are nasty little ingrates who eat all our food without compunction but then go over to rid the neighbor’s yard of vermin even as film crews are pulling up in our driveway for a remake of “Attack of the Mole People”.

Did I say I love cats? I lied. I can't believe I let him lick my Pirate's Booty.

8 Comments:

  • At 3:10 PM, Blogger Marianne said…

    Gobsmacked...completely.
    Cut'em off the pirate's booty, NOW.
    Tell them to go out there and get you some moles! (as opposed to toddlers)

     
  • At 5:09 PM, Blogger Marianne said…

    Damn, where the hell is everyone?
    BTW...just so you know? Those are beautiful socks.

     
  • At 6:35 PM, Anonymous MonicaPDX said…

    1 - Thanks much for the Pirate Booty info! I'll have to snoop around for it. There's a Trader Joe's on one of the multple bus stops I take to my doctor's...
    2 - I hope no tea-snorting incidents were painful or damaging to knits. Er, and your personal booty, of course.
    3 - Love those socks; gorgeous!
    4 - I love Ed. I swoon over Ed photos. I lust after Ed. Would you please kiss Ed and give him a good skrtch for me? Thank you. (Seriously kitty-deprived catphile here. Apt. doesn't allow 'em, I can't afford one anyway. Damn!)
    5 - Moles vs. cats: Maybe if you set out mole condiments in a convenient spot near the garage? You know, something piquant and trendy, like nuoc mam with lemon grass (fish'n'mole, mmmm! altho dunno if that's trendy any more - you think I eat this sort of thing?) or perhaps mushroom sauce (in our part of the country, morels, I'd say) with a catnip garnish. Or maybe if you used a large tube and a funnel and poured cheese sauce down into the mole tunnels? Pirate Booty kernels? Just sayin'.

     
  • At 6:53 PM, Blogger Faren said…

    "giggle" "snort"

    P.S. Love the socks!

     
  • At 7:51 PM, Blogger Ms. Knitingale said…

    Monica, you're killing me here. A mole condiment bar? Much snorting was done. I'll be delighted to nuzzle Ed for you--he's an awesome cat. Huge, smart, and cuddly. The perfect feline combo. Now if he'd only eat all the damned moles...
    Marianne, I'll tell you I wouldn't be surprised it it WAS toddlers out there. The piles of dirt are enormous, the bastards. Hugs to Faren, too. It's always good to have you here!

     
  • At 11:42 PM, Anonymous angie Cox said…

    Oh dear ...I shall never be able to read Wind in the Willows again ! Moles are supposed to hate vibrartions so go out and jump a lot or tie one of those cats to elastic so everytime he/she tries to get to the neighbours pings back causing vibes. My cat Treacle ( as a childhood friend) caught an entire neighbour-hood of birds ,frogs ,mice etc .Her son Benjy lived with us and slept 25 hours a day so caught nada ,zilch.No cat I have had since has bothered either.Try to imagine the moles in little aran sweaters ,cords doing housework or sitting watching soaps. I love those socks b.t.w.

     
  • At 8:36 AM, Blogger Bird Advocate said…

    Has it ever occured to you your neighbors may not appreciate your allowing your critters to roam? Those bunnies have a right to live in the wild. Your critters do not.

     
  • At 12:56 PM, Blogger Dianne said…

    As always 'Flo'..you've made me laugh my butt off ..living in a rural area...with lots of underground activity, owning a cat..I can tell you..the neighbors moles are tastier..it's like your own turf is virgin territory..the socks..~rock~!!

     

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