The Life and Times of Florence Knitingale

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Ms. K's Wishful Predictions for 2007

Disclaimer: Ms. Knitingale is not a psychic, but does not need to be one to realize that sheep will start shearing themselves and bringing wool to her doorstep before most of these things are likely to happen. Still, a girl can dream.

Paris Hilton will wake up one morning with the realization that her life, like her head, has become empty. She will make the decision at that point to put on some clothes and do something slightly more meaningful with her life then pose half naked with a succession of small dogs. She will ask the press to stop taking her picture until she has contributed something beneficial to the world.

The job of United States Congressperson will be changed to a regular 40-hour workweek, paid at whatever is the current federal minimum wage. There will be a timeclock, and penalties for absenteeism and tardiness. There will also be penalties for dishonesty and all around asshole-ery.

People will suddenly realize that there are more important things than entertainment and, as a result, teachers, nurses, social workers, 911 dispatchers, police officers, firefighters, and others who truly make a difference and care for people will start making multi-million dollar salaries while actors, actresses, and professional athletes will be paid much the way that those aforementioned folk are paid now with occasional so-called “cost of living adjustments” that amount to about 2 cents an hour before taxes.

The next television writer who has a bright idea about sticking a dozen people in a house and filming every dumbass thing they say will go lie down until the idea passes.

Thigh cellulite will become very stylish (I may post less often when this happens, as I will be in great demand….and please, no comments that my thighs look fine. There’s a reason I always have pants on in my photos….well, okay, there are many reasons…but you know what I mean).

The world will finally acknowledge that the way clothes look on a real body bears no resemblance whatsoever to the way they look on a teenager disguised as a clothes hanger in stilettos, and models will now walk the runways weighing at least 140 pounds, wearing comfy shoes. For the sake of realism, a certain percentage of them will have child-snot-stains on one shoulder.

Politicians will be required to wear BS detectors at all times. The resultant beeping sound over Washington D.C. will be so loud that it will be heard in the farthest reaches of space by aliens who will decide once and for all that we are too stupid to bother invading.

Scientists will discover a new, even tastier form of chocolate that is not only non-fattening but is, indeed, so healthy that the food pyramid will be altered to include it. Doctors will say things like “I’m a bit worried about your blood work…are you sure you’re eating enough chocolate?”

The many benefits of knitting will finally be recognized and knitters the world over will be looked up to. As a result, employers will be required to allow one hour of knitting time per day and yarn will be tax deductible.

Tom Cruise will finally realize that no one cares, and will shut up.

I will make a pair of socks—just one pair of socks—straight through from cast-on to cast-off without ever having to start over. (This one’s a serious stretch.)

Presidential candidates will be required to have at least a 4th grade command of the English language.

It will be discovered that dust is actually quite good for you and removal of it will be recognized as a health risk.

Michael Jackson will finally return to whatever planet he came from, having decided that humans are just too darned weird looking.

American teenagers will suddenly realize that their underwear have been showing all this time and will start wearing clothes that actually cover them.

Politicians and academy award winners will be charged by the word when giving speeches. The money will be used to combat the effects of global warning linked to all that hot air.

My upcoming Chemistry class (starting tomorrow) will not cause me to die of stress…although I might find myself wishing that it had.

I will finally post pictures on my blog of my new craft room and some of my stash enhancement (no, that really WILL happen. Most likely tomorrow---although some of the enhancement will be arriving by mail and, as such, is not yet available for photos.)

So, what are you dreaming of in 2007?

5 Comments:

  • At 10:19 AM, Blogger Marianne said…

    Besides you?
    I have Gracie *and* Conor today...just grabbing a quick moment, through which I giggled, snorted, chortled, and a couple of belly laughs, they're looking at me like their Grandma's gone off the deep end...heh.
    Loved it all....I'm always of dreaming of peace for us all.

     
  • At 11:32 AM, Anonymous angie Cox said…

    Now that was so good, Holly is in stitches.We are hoping Tony Blair will realise he's a Tory at long last and a real socialist will lead Labour.That sanitary wear is posted in your door by the govt. once a week so a certain Mum doesn't forget the only day the shops are closed. All male members of the Country are given a state of the art hand-made Martin guitar. Mary Poppins will not appear on T.V at Easter, Christmas , New Year etc. Noro will realise I worship at the altar and send me a container ship of "samples" .

     
  • At 8:42 PM, Blogger Kit Is Knitting said…

    All nursing professors will be required to have yearly mental health reviews and if found to becoming overly angry, paranoid, vindictive, and just plain mean sorta crazy, they will be given immediate leave of mental health until they've 'gotten some' from their spouses.

     
  • At 10:31 PM, Anonymous Paula in Iowa said…

    Current sock story: sock one is finished and I cast on for the 2nd right after the finishing. This evening as I measured the ribbing to see if it was 'there' yet, realized that I was working 1 x 1 rib. Yep, 1st sock is knit in 2 x 2 rib. Nope, not changing it. Anyone looking closely enough to see they are different isn't interested in my socks! You Go, Ms. K!

     
  • At 9:09 AM, Blogger Faren said…

    It would be so nice if some of those predictions came true! I giggled quite a bit with this post.
    Thanks!

     

Post a Comment

<< Home