Greetings From Mr. K's Office

Out of necessity is born creativity.....or, at least, out of a serious dependence on the internet combined with a rather malicious tree and an overwhelmed cable company. But I thought I'd at least try to get in a few more words to you all, and maybe even pictures (can't do that at the library). For instance, progress on the noro:

The sinister shadow there is me....but I wasn't the only one:

Miss Gracie thinks knitting is WAY fun. Anyhow, this is the front and back with an attached I-cord neckline (I'm still up in the air about whether or not I like it...what do you think?) and a partial sleeve. I know--you'd think I'd be farther along given 6 whole days of nothing to do but knit and read.....but I found that knitting by candlelight is best when NOT using inconsistently dyed yarn with subtle color differentiations. That is, deep burgandy and slightly lighter, pink-toned burgandy look much the same by the light of three vanilla candles, which is why one side of the neck opening had to be ripped out and reknit. Twice.

Before I forget, I do know I've been tagged and I promise I'll do it. It's just that I don't have access to any of my saved blogsites at present (I have my e-mail addresses, but that's it--everything else is in the online toolbar of the computer at home...which right now is a rather expensive, humming paperweight), so I'll have to wait to do it until I have internet access at home and can pick the next victims....recipients....whatever.

ANYHOW, in yet another cruel twist of fate, I went to exercise this morning and discovered that the only channel that came in reasonably well without cable was showing Martha Stewart. You may know that I'm not a huge fan. But it did get me thinking about how many of us are doing way too much this time of year and so, in the hope of helping some of you, I offer this checklist. See if you recognize yourself.

1. You would have finished knitting gifts for everyone, but the 472 crocheted stars for the tree kind of threw off your schedule.

2. You're pretty sure you have children somewhere....but it's okay because they can always live off the gumdrops in your craft stash that you were planning to string together to make a garland....I mean, until you find them. You're SURE you'll find them.

3. You wake up at 3:00am with ideas about how to fashion a cunning treetop angel out of an empty diet pepsi can and some pretzels.

4. You can no longer feel the burns from the hot melt glue gun....which may be due to the layers and layers of glue on your hands.

5. You were going to get some of that angel hair stuff for the tree, but noticed that strands of glue from all the handmade ornaments have served much the same purpose.

6. You keep trying to convince the children that Christmas cookies and fruitcake are a perfectly reasonable dinner. Extra points if they believe you.

7. Everyone loves the little gingerbread replicas you made of their houses...but some of them are a little weirded out at how accurate the insides are. Particularly the ones who don't recall ever having you inside their homes.

8. Your son asks if he can leave cookies out for Santa and you answer "What am I? MADE of cookie dough???!!"

9. Your husband has taking to leaving mistletoe in places like your stash cupboard, above the sewing machine, etc, in hopes of getting to touch you as you pass.

10. You see the above mentioned mistletoe, but think it must be some weird form of mold and make a note to bleach the areas after Christmas.

11. A shopkeeper wishes you a merry Christmas and you stare at her for a minute, then scream "WHAT??? It's TODAY??? But I'm not READY!!" and run from the store.

12. You can't recall the last time you shaved your legs, conditioned your hair, or took a shower longer than about 45 seconds. But you'd take a longer one if you could figure out how to waterproof yarn.

13. You believe Martha Stewart could be a reasonably good craftsperson if she'd just try a bit harder.

14. Martha Stewart hates YOU.

15. All of your family have known for years that the best response when opening a gift from you is one that is short and spoken in soft, appreciative tones. Comments about wrong size or color will cause all the rest of the family to wrestle the offender to the floor before you can react.

16. You think it's perfectly reasonable to spend an entire day trying to make reindeer out of softened tootsie rolls.

17. You know how to make gift wrap from pulp that came from the trees in your back yard.

18. Your husband is afraid to sleep until you do, because you might gift wrap him.

19. Your children are thrilled to hear the sound of sleigh bells...because now mommy might finally stop muttering to herself and glueing everything in the house to everything else and calling it "festive".

20. Your family asks gently if you were planning to do any laundry any time soon, and you start wondering when they all became too good to go out for dinner in their pajamas.

21. You simply cannot believe that they don't have a store for gingerbread man accessories.

If any of this looks like you, take this advice: put down the glue gun. Put down the yarn, knitting needles, ribbon, etc. Pour yourself a glass of good wine. Find the nearest chocolate (it's Christmas, for heaven's sake--don't tell me there isn't chocolate around!). Repeat this mantra: Christmas will happen with or without homemade tinsel. Sanity can be a great gift to those who must live with me.

My husband's company closes for a week at Christmas time, so posting may be sporadic and dependent on library usership, at least until the cable company gets the line untangled from the rootball of my tree. (Excuse me, my FORMER tree, the bulk of which is even now burning merrily in my neighbors fireplace.) But, once again, know that I am wishing you and yours a peaceful and sane holiday. As always, you are all in my thoughts and my heart.