Storm, part...whatever
Evil-Minded Son of a Bitch apparently has another sibling. Or maybe a child…which I guess would make it Evil-Minded Grandson of a Bitch. Whoever he is, he’s a right git. The weather folk are predicting rain, high winds, snow and it’s already raining and blowing like a bastard. They’re advising us all to fill up our gas tanks, make sure we have batteries, candles, etc.
I don’t mean to seem….ungrateful, or anything…but I’m just a tad bit tired of this winter.
Mr. K and I were wondering what in the world can be causing all these storms. My theory is that the heavens are intending to smite George Bush but confused Washington State and Washington D.C. Mr. K thinks it may have something to do with global warming…but I’m pretty sure it’s the smiting thing.
In the name of public education, I’ve put together the following preparedness list for those folks who may also be facing a possible power outage:
1. Stare disbelievingly at TV weatherperson.
2. Swear loudly.
3. When husband comes in to see what all the swearing is about, demand to move to somewhere without windstorms. Or without tall trees, in any event.
4. When husband points out impracticality of #3, tell him that there is such a thing as being too reasonable and calm.
5. Eat a half a bag of Pirate’s Booty, with the theory that am entitled to comfort food at a time like this.
6. Besides, Pirate’s Booty is at least fairly healthy—not like Cheetos or something.
7. Consider above comment about Cheetos; tear apart pantry hunting for Cheetos (if it’s going to be dark for another week, my ass will not be all that noticeable, after all)
8. Consider heating house to 90 degrees just so it takes longer to get cold; consider that husband will likely have heart attack if presented with $900 energy bill. Discard this idea.
9. Stare out window at gathering storm, demand to know why it can’t go mess with someone else this time?
10. Realize that talking to weather system is probably not a healthy sign.
11. Consider laying in a supply of alcoholic beverages against possibility of yet another week locked up in the one room we can keep warm without electricity; realize do not drink. Grumble that no virtue goes unpunished. Reject alcohol idea.
12. Gather candles together with lighter, make sure lighter works. Pat self on back for having one sensible moment. Resume whimpering.
13. Wonder for the millionth time why never remember to obtain unscented candles for such situations, and consider what the combination of winter berry, spiced apple, clean linen, guava, and cinnamon roll will smell like. Reason that the resulting nausea may well offset the half bag of Pirate’s Booty. Add bayberry candle to the assortment. And gardenia.
14. Check flashlights for batteries, place one next to my knitting (which is where will probably be when power once again goes out). Comfort self with fact that more power outages may possibly give weight to argument that having lots of wool on hand is a sensible precaution against drafts and hypothermia. Wonder if this counts as a wool emergency that would excuse one from stash dieting.....?
15. Keep checking news, as if it were the phone from the governor’s mansion and a reprieve might be coming. Swear each time it isn’t.
16. Watch branches whip around outside window. Glare at them as though they might be shamed into stopping. Realize that attempting to stare down a tree is probably another bad sign in terms of mental health status. Blame George Bush.
17. Laugh slightly hysterically at the notion of blaming a Bush for the trees.
18. Note that wind occasionally dies down almost completely. Try not to imagine that this is heavens pausing to take another deep breath prior to huffing and puffing and blowing house down.
19. Speak to husband on phone. Advise him that trees appear to be moving somewhat alarmingly. Tell him that is reply “As long as they’re not moving towards you, it’s okay” is a tad flippant.
20. Promise to be less crazy when husband returns home.
21. Wonder why have not laid in supply of Valium.
22. Remember do not take pills. Remember that chocolate is worst vice. 23. Wonder how many m&m’s it takes to become really, really calm.
I’m going to knit and glare out the windows. If you live in Washington DC, please come get your weather.
I don’t mean to seem….ungrateful, or anything…but I’m just a tad bit tired of this winter.
Mr. K and I were wondering what in the world can be causing all these storms. My theory is that the heavens are intending to smite George Bush but confused Washington State and Washington D.C. Mr. K thinks it may have something to do with global warming…but I’m pretty sure it’s the smiting thing.
In the name of public education, I’ve put together the following preparedness list for those folks who may also be facing a possible power outage:
1. Stare disbelievingly at TV weatherperson.
2. Swear loudly.
3. When husband comes in to see what all the swearing is about, demand to move to somewhere without windstorms. Or without tall trees, in any event.
4. When husband points out impracticality of #3, tell him that there is such a thing as being too reasonable and calm.
5. Eat a half a bag of Pirate’s Booty, with the theory that am entitled to comfort food at a time like this.
6. Besides, Pirate’s Booty is at least fairly healthy—not like Cheetos or something.
7. Consider above comment about Cheetos; tear apart pantry hunting for Cheetos (if it’s going to be dark for another week, my ass will not be all that noticeable, after all)
8. Consider heating house to 90 degrees just so it takes longer to get cold; consider that husband will likely have heart attack if presented with $900 energy bill. Discard this idea.
9. Stare out window at gathering storm, demand to know why it can’t go mess with someone else this time?
10. Realize that talking to weather system is probably not a healthy sign.
11. Consider laying in a supply of alcoholic beverages against possibility of yet another week locked up in the one room we can keep warm without electricity; realize do not drink. Grumble that no virtue goes unpunished. Reject alcohol idea.
12. Gather candles together with lighter, make sure lighter works. Pat self on back for having one sensible moment. Resume whimpering.
13. Wonder for the millionth time why never remember to obtain unscented candles for such situations, and consider what the combination of winter berry, spiced apple, clean linen, guava, and cinnamon roll will smell like. Reason that the resulting nausea may well offset the half bag of Pirate’s Booty. Add bayberry candle to the assortment. And gardenia.
14. Check flashlights for batteries, place one next to my knitting (which is where will probably be when power once again goes out). Comfort self with fact that more power outages may possibly give weight to argument that having lots of wool on hand is a sensible precaution against drafts and hypothermia. Wonder if this counts as a wool emergency that would excuse one from stash dieting.....?
15. Keep checking news, as if it were the phone from the governor’s mansion and a reprieve might be coming. Swear each time it isn’t.
16. Watch branches whip around outside window. Glare at them as though they might be shamed into stopping. Realize that attempting to stare down a tree is probably another bad sign in terms of mental health status. Blame George Bush.
17. Laugh slightly hysterically at the notion of blaming a Bush for the trees.
18. Note that wind occasionally dies down almost completely. Try not to imagine that this is heavens pausing to take another deep breath prior to huffing and puffing and blowing house down.
19. Speak to husband on phone. Advise him that trees appear to be moving somewhat alarmingly. Tell him that is reply “As long as they’re not moving towards you, it’s okay” is a tad flippant.
20. Promise to be less crazy when husband returns home.
21. Wonder why have not laid in supply of Valium.
22. Remember do not take pills. Remember that chocolate is worst vice. 23. Wonder how many m&m’s it takes to become really, really calm.
I’m going to knit and glare out the windows. If you live in Washington DC, please come get your weather.
posted by Ms. Knitingale @ 4:05 PM
6 Comments:
At 5:41 PM,
Anonymous said…
only a half a bag of pirates bootie? i can't seem to stop until the whole darn bag is consumed. i suggest we all buy stock in m&m's. i suspect we need much more than the snack sized bag i just found in my cupboard.
At 7:01 PM,
Marianne said…
Honey, if ya'll get blown away just make sure it blows you here,k?
Now....2 questions...seriously...wtf is pirate booty and wheretf can I get me some?
At 11:37 PM,
Anonymous said…
Do you think God could do weather just for Republicans ? I'd hate the hopeful sounding new House to be blown away so soon. Mind the thought of G.Bubyah being blown into the Potomac is really tempting. It's stormy here so maybe our Tony will get his come-uppance. There is a wonderful new drama on Friday about his post P.M ship showing his decline into further self-delusion and insanity.
I really laughed at you using "git" I didn't know Americans did. I use it all the time to describe a particulary dumb type that inhabits our neighbourhood.
I don't drink either Florence so having agreed to an egg-cup size of brandy in my apple juice at Christmas I was knocked out flat .
I am hoping , praying even that the storms get the message or have really bad concentration and see something out at sea and head off that way .
At 3:40 AM,
Anonymous said…
Oy bloody gevalt! I haven't been watching news so hadn't heard about another storm. (Altho my cabbie Monday told me Portland was supposed to get 18-22 degree temps about...uh, later today. Whee. Three snowflakes and the entire city will shut down.) Good luck. Sending virtual Fritos and original Lays, which I hope are acceptable subs for Cheetos. I also chime in - WTF is Pirate's Booty? I have irresistible visions of you nibbling Jack Sparrow's ass, which I somehow think is a misapprehension, although a fun one. Apropos of Shrub and smiting, considering everything--I believe this storm isn't Evil-Minded Grandson of a Bitch, it's Evil-Minded Son of a Bitch, middle initial W. I'd say that ups him to a right wanker. [eg]
PS: Angie - some of us have this tendency to collect British expressions. For me, I blame it on Mom bringing home Georgette Heyer novels and leaving them casually lying around when I was at a tender, impressionable age. Either that or it was the Peter O'Donnell Modesty Blaise books Dad brought home.
PPS: Yeah, I'm babbling, I've been up almost 24 hrs, but just wanted to add glad people enjoyed my storm name, and thanks for the welcome!
At 5:04 AM,
Ms. Knitingale said…
Monica, you made me snort my tea again! No, definitely NOT nibbling on Jack Sparrow's ass, although I've had a thing for Johnny Depp for some time so it's an idea that bears further thought....Pirate's Bootie, as Marti will attest, is this really, really yummy stuff made of puffed rice and corn (nothing like cereal) and flavored with white cheddar cheese. It's not fried so, while it's not as healthy as say, vegetable sticks, it's way better for you than my beloved cheetos. They also make one called Veggie Bootie, but I haven't tried that one. I'm almost positive Trader Joe's carries it; out this way almost all the grocery stores do. Marianne, I'll talk to the Bootie fairy on your behalf. Oh, and Ang, the word git still slips out from time to time...I lived briefly in England. It's so wonderfully expressive, don't you think? And Marti, a snack sized bag of m&m's is almost cruel...just enough to be a temptation!
At 4:50 PM,
Anonymous said…
-40 with the windchill. Snow nearly up to my ass and I fell down (in the middle of the intersection) on my way home. I hate winter. Maybe I'll get snowed in and not have to work in this crap again tomorrow.
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