It Should Be Possible to Call in Stupid

When you find yourself heading out the door to school holding a purse, a water bottle, and a single handknit sock, it should be a right to call in stupid. I wouldn't probably need a note or anything..it seems like it would be obvious to the most casual observer.

Now, in my defense, the sock in question was the Mt. Creek sock which I finished last night and which did, as it happens, turn out to be unfairly maligned. Which is to say that it graciously forgave me whatever I said about the sheep it came from and produced a sock that I am surprised to absolutely adore:

Oh, you want to see the heel? No problem:

And see, since I do adore the sock so very much and since I am filled with all sorts of happy feelings about the whole thing not turning out to be nauseating (never mind actually agreeing to be knit up into something wearable at all), of course I had to try on the sock for Mr. K. And I really didn't want to take it off....partly because it felt so nice and partly because I wasn't totally sure it wouldn't change its mind and become something thoroughly hideous while I was at class.

But that's when I realized I was running late.

Now, having realized that you are attempting to go to school with a purse, a water bottle and a sock, if you then go back inside, return the sock, and go upstairs for books (books....yeah, maybe it makes sense to take books to school) and then go all the way out to the garage and get in the car before noticing that you didn't open the garage door yet....well, yeah. It's time to call in stupid. And if you then get out of the car, open the garage door, and get back into the car before realizing that you don't actually have car keys....c'mon. Isn't it obvious at this point that you are far too stupid to drive? Certainly it isn't logical to believe that, having miraculously made it to school unscathed, a person would actually learn anything. Don't ask me how I made it home safely. I suspect there was significant luck involved.

Now that I think about it, perhaps this whole concept of "calling in" needs to be revamped. For instance, I have been known to go all girly and fuss with my hair for half an hour in an attempt to look presentable and still look like a full-figured string mop (full for a mop--don't get on me for calling myself fat again). On those days it was very tempting to call in ugly. I don't mean I'm overwhelmingly hideous or have a second calling as a circus freak. I just mean that for that day, I was not fit for public viewing. The world needs to be more sympathetic to this, I think. After all, I'm only thinking of the people who have to look at me.

Or how about the times when I couldn't find a damned thing to wear in a closet whose contents I rarely allow anyone to view all at once because it's so painfully obvious that I have a little...problem...in terms of self control in the wardrobe department. I mentioned on one of those days that I was about to call in naked...but Mr. K took one look in my closet and suggested I call in completely nuts instead. I'd like to take offense at this...but it's just so hard to take decent umbrage at the truth.

By the way, does anyone know exactly what an umbrage is? Or where I would want to take it? Does anyone have any advice on the care and feeding of an umbrage, assuming I do at some point decide to take one? Should I have it neutered so I don't end up with a houseful of little umbrages? Yeah, yeah, I know. I should have called in weird.

There are those times when I can't be bothered to iron, so it should be okay to call in wrinkled...or lazy. I'm good either way.

Oh, and how about those times when you sit down for a few minutes before you leave (I'm a morning person--I know the idea of "a few minutes before you leave" is a foreign concept to those folks like my poor Mr. K who typically only gets up a few minutes before he leaves) and the cat snuggles down in your lap. Really, calling in "cat on lap" seems perfectly legit to me.

I'd love to stay and chat but you know, the world is simply not advanced enough for my obviously brilliant idea and I was forced to go to school anyway...which means that whatever passes for my brain today has been filled with 2 hours of something that sounded rather like "blah, blah, blah, chemistry, blah, blah, valence electrons, blah." I'm thinking I may want to try to read it.

Always assuming I'm still capable.