The Life and Times of Florence Knitingale

Saturday, December 02, 2006

Please Send to North Pole

Dear Santa:

Okay. So I know this wasn’t the best day. And there’s no point in hiding it because of that whole “sees you when you’re sleeping thing” (which, with all due respect, does seem a bit....stalker-ish...don't you think?) so I thought I’d better drop you a quick note to explain and ‘fess up, as it were. I believe it would be fair to say that, while I am not necessarily still qualified to be on the “nice” list, I think I deserve at least a chance to explain myself before being sent unceremoniously to the “naughty” list. Clearly, I was under no small amount of duress.

I know what you’re thinking and yes, I probably shouldn’t have mouthed those unkind words—okay, exaggeratedly mouthed—at that woman who went racing by me in that crowded parking lot. But Santa, she scared the bejeebers out of me. See for yourself—I’m bejeeberless. (In fact, you may want to add bejeebers to my Christmas list…I don’t suppose it’s good to wander around the world without bejeebers.) Besides, I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one offering an opinion on her driving skills, given the number of honks I heard after she sped past me.

Okay, yeah, so that guy who stole my parking place probably doesn’t really have such questionable parentage as I might have implied. But I know he saw me waiting for that spot and he just shoved his big old mini-van in there anyway. Besides, it’s not like I used one finger to illustrate my estimation of his IQ, though I dearly wanted to. That’s worth points, isn’t it?

While it is true that I thought distinctly uncharitable thoughts about those women at Value Village who stood two feet from the dressing rooms, blocking the entire aisle with bodies and carts, loudly pondering whether this or that skirt was too tight (the aisle sure was with them in the bloody middle of it), I didn’t say them out loud, did I? I did not. And look what a good sport I was when I went to find the Christmas tins that I came in for in the first place, and the nicest, brightest one turned out, once opened, to smell exactly like feet. I was not delighted, no, but I didn’t throw it. That was good, I thought. (Although I’m still pondering what in the world the original gift in that tin was…..and how I can be certain that I’m never on that person’s gift list).

While it is true that I rolled my eyes heavenward the fourth time the woman at Ben Franklin moved to stand directly between me and the books I was looking at (or, more accurately, trying to look at), I did not suggest to her that some assistance with her reading skills might be in order, given that it apparently took her 20 minutes and four tries to figure out which of four magazines she might want to purchase. Indeed, I went all the way over to pet the alpaca yarn and kept my thoughts to myself. My head might have exploded but so great is my respect for our deal…..well. For you, Santa. It’s all for you.

Speaking of Ben Franklin, I’ll have you notice that I purchased a gift for someone but even in the face of all that temptation, I only purchased one knitting magazine for myself. Sure, I petted quite a bit of yarn (I’m sure the store owner didn’t mean that bit about my having to purchase a gross of yarn if I didn’t stop rubbing the fuzz off of it), but I did not bring one skein home for me. Moreover, I feel that the knitting magazine thing rather came out even, given that I chose it quickly in the moments my view wasn’t blocked and only discovered once home that it has about one item I’d actually make. You could hardly say I benefited there.

By the way, I think you should thank your lucky stars that “reindeer really know how to fly”, at least in the greater Seattle area. The roads were so packed with shoppers today that I feared for whatever remained of my sanity trying to get home. Notice that I refrained from offering any sorts of opinions regarding the private behaviors of the other drivers when I sat through the same light four times because people kept not noticing it had turned green. (G for green, G for go…how hard can that BE???) If I were you, I would definitely stick to a higher altitude. (Watch out for our volcano, though. I don’t think it would get you…but better to be safe than sorry.)

In the end, I think it is clear that I behaved as well as could be expected, given the extraordinary challenges of the day. It is my sincere hope that you might take this into consideration when making your final decision as regards that little issue we discussed. You know, the one about the little backyard flock of sheep.

Regards,
Ms. Knitingale.

P.S. I would definitely watch the sheep when you fly over the volcano. You know how burning wool smells.

P.P.S As you may know, I am typing this in Word (to be copied and pasted into Blogger later) because my husband will not allow me to use the computer that has internet access. He says he will set my yarn on fire if I don’t quit bugging him about it. I was going to ask that you leave coal in his stocking but, on further examination, it seems that perhaps something with which to build fires would be a poor choice. I wonder if you could leave him some non-flammable rocks, instead.

12 Comments:

  • At 6:26 PM, Blogger Marianne said…

    Hey, got your bejeebers right here!
    Let me tell you some little known facts about Santa...oops, he's probably listening isn't he...pssst, later, I'll tell you later, but believe me, you've been an angel compared to some of the shenanigans he's been up to....sshhhhhhhhhh. oh yeah, those itty bitty sheep you're wanting, it should be a safe bet...er, shhhhhhh.(whistling)

     
  • At 9:25 PM, Blogger Faren said…

    bejeeberless "snort" That whole bejeeber paragragh had me laughing.
    I also wanted to tell you what my husband has done now. Yes, it does involve fire, how did you know? We decide we want an evening snack so he goes into the kitchen to put the pretzels in the oven. When I get a drink what to my wondering eyes appear? My husband with a propane torch hovering over the pretzels...I am not joking people! I of course die laughing while he tries to explain himself to me. "What? I wanted to put melted butter on them and the top was frozen. What? It worked didn't it? What? Would you quit laughing? What? Stop Laughing!

     
  • At 5:17 AM, Anonymous Carla said…

    Ms. Knittingale, I am peeking out of Lurkdom to say you are priceless! When I read your posts, I know why *I* don't have a blog — never could I match this! Oh, and if I can get some bejeebers at Wal-Mart, want me to send you some?

     
  • At 5:59 AM, Blogger Ms. Knitingale said…

    Faren, your story about the propane torch and the pretzels made me snort--primarily because I can totally picture my husband doing it. I was going to share this with him but I'm pretty sure he won't see why it's funny. "What? What's wrong with that? Why would she be laughing?" Carla, I would definitely appreciate any bejeebers you can find. I was going to try Walmart myself...but it's the Christmas season. Walmart during the Christmas season scares me (and I obviously don't have any more bejeebers to throw around). Marianne, I can't wait to hear that story....but don't worry. I didn't hear it from you. The big guy will never know.

     
  • At 10:04 AM, Blogger Peg said…

    Sorry, I don't have any bejeebers, but I know they will show up soon. Santa might have trouble with the sheep and the sleigh, but hey, if he can deliver toys to children all over the world in less than 24 hours, what would be the problem with a little flock of sheep! You had better tell him what colour and breed you want, 'cause I have had experience with Santa when I gave less than adequate details on gifts! He is not good at filling in the blanks or seeing inside the female mind!

     
  • At 10:05 AM, Blogger Peg said…

    Sorry, I don't have any bejeebers, but I know they will show up soon. Santa might have trouble with the sheep and the sleigh, but hey, if he can deliver toys to children all over the world in less than 24 hours, what would be the problem with a little flock of sheep! You had better tell him what colour and breed you want, 'cause I have had experience with Santa when I gave less than adequate details on gifts! He is not good at filling in the blanks or seeing inside the female mind!

     
  • At 10:39 AM, Blogger Faren said…

    Yeah, my hubby really didn't see why I was dieing laughing either. Every time I mention it he says "What? It worked didn't it?" This is also the man that in his bachelor days made grilled cheese sandwiches with an iron. So, I should have expected it.

     
  • At 10:49 AM, Blogger Charity said…

    What exactly do you intend to do with the bejeebers, once they arrive? :0)

    You know, I love this time of year. The people around at this time of year, not so much. Why on earth do we celebrate a holiday supposed to be filled with peace and joy with stress and frustration?

     
  • At 10:51 AM, Blogger Charity said…

    BTW, I can verify that our Wal-Mart is fresh out of bejeebers. I guess you should have stocked up earlier in the year, eh? If you're looking for cranky, speeding, parking spot stealers, though, I'm sure I can find one for you. :0)

     
  • At 2:22 PM, Blogger Marianne said…

    I'm telling you Sweetheart, I've *got* your bejeebers! you know...like, I've got your back...got plenty of bejeebers, I'll get them to you asap.

     
  • At 2:25 PM, Blogger Marianne said…

    Oh, and Charity? One can never ever have too many bejeebers...not in this world anyway. Stash any extras right in there with the fibre stash, dudette, they just love that stash! No, they don't eat stash,gotta watch out for a bit of drool here and there but no damage done...

     
  • At 2:28 PM, Blogger Marianne said…

    It's wrong to be having this much fun about bejeebers, isn't it.....

     

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