1. The day before a major holiday (such as...oh...let's just say Thanksgiving) is a signal for approximately 5,000,000 extra people to take the to roads in Seattle and the surrounding areas. This is odd, because
2. The uberperky news caster this morning noted that there were a record number of people at the airport this morning, apparently leaving. This can only lead to one conclusion, specifically
3. Each and every person who leaves Seattle refuses to do so until a replacement has arrived for them. Along with several friends to fend off loneliness and any sort of sane driving conditions. (Why, yes, I HAVE been promoted from Queen of Hyperbole to Goddess of Hyperbole, and thank you for noticing! It wasn’t achieved without real sacrifice.)
4. The worst possible time to realize that ones roots have begun to show, particularly when you only really have time to do them on the weekends so it’s either this weekend or a week and a half from now and you have absolutely no hair color available, is Thanksgiving Eve.
5. The number of times it is possible to sit through the same traffic light while making no progress without screaming, clenching ones fists, and chewing on the upholstery….well, okay. I don’t exactly know that one. Kind of like the Tootsie Pop commercials with the turtle—I never got past three.
6. Having made the questionable decision to sacrifice peace of mind for vanity and pigmented hair (however falsely pigmented it may be), the next stupidest decision in the history of the planet (I mean, other than “What’s say we all roll in honey and go play with my pet ants?”) is probably “Gee, there’s a Joanne’s Fabrics in the same parking lot as the Safeway….and my knitting tote broke quite spectacularly the other day….maybe I’ll just take a quick peek.”
7. Jeans, when freshly washed and (most especially) when the favorite pair of the owner, have the uncanny ability to wick muddy water from puddles anywhere within visual distance all the way up to the knees. At supersonic speeds.
8. Umbrellas, though inclined to roll around all over the car and be completely in the way on pleasant, sunny days, have a unkind tendency to wedge themselves under a seat when raining, requiring the owner to stand on her head over the back of the front seat with her rear end pressed unattractively up against the dashboard and wildly frizzing hair in her eyes.
9. People can give a person very strange looks in a parking lot. You'd think they never lost an umbrella.
10. The number of seemingly sensible women who nevertheless decide to shop for hundreds of dollars worth of craft supplies on the day before Thanksgiving at 4:00 is actually quite high. (In my defense, I truly thought that most people would wait until the sale this weekend….which was desperately wrong.)
11. One of the worst things you can see in a craft store on Thanksgiving Eve (besides the madding hordes of shoppers) is a small boy with a handful of marbles and no parental guidance (I only wish I was kidding).
12. It is possible to avoid falling on one's derriere while dodging stray marbles and a small boy, but a fairly dorky looking dance is necessary to do it.
13. The slowness of any cashier as well as the number of inane stories she feels compelled to tell the shopper ahead of you, is directly proportional to the wetness of your clothes, the weariness of your body, and the current level on your personal crank-o-meter.
14. While I can remember all the important family birthdays, the type and yardage of a frightening amount of my yarn stash, and all of my significant PIN and other ID type numbers, I am completely incapable of recalling that there is a 37-foot-deep puddle right next to the drivers door of my car if I park in one particular spot. Which I unfailingly do.
15. My brown boots are not waterproof.
16. My burgundy socks are, likewise, not waterproof.
17. When I have forgotten to set the thermostat to warm the house up a bit towards the time I expect to be home, there is not enough fleece in the world to make up for wet feet in a 60 degree environment.
18. Cats do not like being forced to act as hairy hot water bottles in a 60 degree house. (Although they are quite keen on it if it is 95 degrees outside).
19. It is quite possible to have a headache larger than one’s actual head. But it takes this sort of Thanksgiving Eve afternoon to do it.
20. Someone needs to invent chocolate aspirin. Or IV chocolate. Or something.