The Life and Times of Florence Knitingale

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Call of the Wild

Wild Thing Number One:
It is apparently BFS season again already. I know this because I came downstairs the other morning, all innocence, to find a spider the size of Wisconsin in my sink. A BFS, if you will. He was perched on the side of the sink, balanced delicately on his enormous hooves and thinking that perhaps I wouldn't notice the eight legs my porcelain had mysteriously sprouted overnight. Mr. K offered this helpful observation: "Oh, it's just a little wolf spider (LITTLE? Dude. This thing is little the way the national deficit is but a trifle. Please.). He probably came up through the drain." CAME UP THROUGH THE DRAIN?????? Which means, of course, that I now have to shower and wash my hair with one eye open at all times, staring ceaselessly at the drain in the floor so as not to suddenly be startled by the sound of hoofbeats as the things stampede into the bathroom and up my leg.

Then again, Mr. K could be wrong. Given the size of the multi-legged bastard (the BFS, not Mr. K who is two-legged and not a bastard at all), it's quite possible he just walked up to the front door, picked the lock, and let himself in. Probably drank all the beer and watched late night TV, too.

Wild Thing Number Two:
I advised the outdoor kitties, Ed among them:

(that's a little beefcake for you, Monica) that it is not only acceptable but actually desirable to keep the rodent population down to some sort of manageable number such that they do not form organized nations with a governing council and a common currency under the house. I did NOT advise them that I would like a live and quite healthy snake to be waiting for me in the garage when I got home. (Since the garage door was closed all day, and since the cat flap is a few inches off the concrete, I feel confident in saying that he had a bit of feline help getting in). He was no more impressed than I was with the situation,or so I gather by his rather desperate attempts to convince me that he was simply a wide crack in the garage floor...that was slowly trying to disappear underneath the car. Is it possible for my cats to like things that aren't creepy crawly? Even better--things that aren't (or weren't recently) alive? I'd be okay with finding dead chocolate pudding or wounded cupcakes in the garage.

Wild Thing Number Three:
Capri pants made entirely out of knitted, mitered squares are probably nature's way of telling us to lay off the sauce while knitting. Or, if you can't lay off the sauce, at least take pictures so we can all giggle in horrified awe. To wit:

This was in the 25th anniversary edition of Vogue Knitting. As if it weren't enough (and I believe that it is), there is this jacket that COULD be lovely, but for.....

.....but for the addition of little knitted mudflaps all around the bottom. 'Cause, you know, that's what I want to wear around my ass: a garment that will make people think of a multi-ton semi-truck. But only if I can spend hundreds of dollars and untold hours making it.

There was also this peculiar garment:

which I think may be a long sleeved bra....with a train. Well, okay--a train for each boob. Look close--the bright blue part that comes down to her thighs isn't part of it. It's just sleeves, boob covers, and two trains. Or sleeves and two trains that function as boob covers, or sleeves and two boob covers designed for the woman who wears a bra size 38Long. Again, friends shouldn't let friends knit drunk.

But, having been dreadfully critical, I confess to being absolutely in LOVE with this:

I suspect that it is YEARS too young for me, and that it would make me appear to be about as womanly and curvy as a 10 year old boy (or a frightened garage snake)...and yet, I love it.

That may very well be the fourth wild thing--Ms. K's good taste, now roaming free range and nowhere remotely within my reach. What can I say? I've been traumatized recently by snakes and hooved spiders. It's my excuse, and I'm sticking to it.


  • At 8:37 PM, Anonymous said…

    I, too, love that last sweater. Alas, I am far too short and boxy already to pull this look off successfully, age or no. I would look like a garden gnome. You, on the other hand Ms. K, are at least tall enough and slender enough that I bet you could pull it off and make it look pretty good.

    Chris in AZ

  • At 11:34 PM, Anonymous angie Cox said…

    Thank-goodness the spiders we have are smallish , I still scream blue murder . As for a snake ..I think I'd have to get a couple Mongooses .I have seen the cover of Vogue's anniversary edition on the net with the most exquisite Kaffe Jacket but knitted in Kidsilk Haze , which is pretty but tickles and is a nightmare . It also costs a fortune as he doubles it . So if I make it it will have to be a plain wool background with maybe Debbie Biss silk as the pattern ( I have a little stash from a half-price sale.

  • At 2:25 AM, Anonymous MonicaPDX said…

    Ok, that last sweater, yeah, that's a nice one! Although I have to sigh and agree with Chris on the personal possibilities. Only I'd look somewhat like a matronly tank wearing cables. You, on the other hand - and note how flat-chested the model appears to be... I think you'd make more of a-- er, showing in the chestal area, y'know? Which would add curves, definitely.

    The mudflaps, on the other hand - that's a horrible thing to do to good yarn. (I'm presuming it's Koigu. I've gotta get a copy of that mag, I hope Freddies isn't all sold out by the time I get there.) Back to the point, frankly, from what I've seen of the Koigu patterns? They design lovely dye colorways, but IMNSHO, most of their patterns look like a drunken snake in a train wreck. You might wanna talk to that one in your garage. And my deepest sympathies on the drainspider. Nggrrrhhhh.

    Now, let me insert a most undignified sqee of girlish delight. Ed! Ohh, Ed. (Thank you, Flo, I need me some Ed.) Ed, why is it those poses have me thinking you're inviting me to come cuddle with you in a voice remarkably resembling Sean Connery in seductive mode??? Or maybe Adrian Paul. Either would work. *happy sigh* (Man, I have got to look into the availability of gigolos around here... Or something.)

  • At 12:08 AM, Blogger Jo said…

    my copy of Vogue hasn't arrived yet but this is timely review, I just can't wait, no I think that sweater cardi that you love would suit a mature person, its just the photo of the young girl is a bit off putting, cut out a picture of yor head and stick it onto the cardi and I think it would definately suit you, I will certainly be considering it on my to knit list too!

  • At 7:01 PM, Blogger Marianne said…

    ....Monica....(voice of Sean Connery or..sigh..Adrian Paul..sigh ...woman, do we have great minds here?)
    ok...I love that last one also, I actually DO have very small breasts but mercy, if you think YOU'RE too old for it there's absolutely no hope for me with it...
    Now, sorry, but I had to laugh heartily about hooved spider (we have them in our front hedge and we all get out there to touch their webs ever so lightly so they'll come running out of their tunnels...heeee) and that poor snake, trying to make himself look like a crack in the floor, oh dear, and I'm certain all he wanted was to get back to wherever he was before...feline help...

  • At 11:10 PM, Blogger Angeluna said…

    What is it about that last sweater that stokes desire. I too love it, but have convinced myself it will be immensely flattering. No fool like an old fool.

    Now where are the photos of gigantic spider and snake?


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