The Life and Times of Florence Knitingale

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Lead Me Not Into Temptation, I Can Find It For Myself

Dear Yarn Company (you know who you are):

Thank you so much for the (road to hell) catalog that you sent me, along with notification of your giant, end of summer sale. While I'm certain that you are (rubbing your hands gleefully at the thought of the money that will flow your way from my pathetic, unresisting hands) pure in intent, I feel that I need to inform you of my little malady.

There was a time when yarn was, to me, simply yarn. It was pretty enough but I noticed it peripherally at best, and then only if I happened to walk by that section in K-Mart (read my post on trailer trash, and this will become clearer to you). Around the time that I was feverishly unravelling a pink mohair thrift store sweater while riding an exercise bike, and CERTAINLY while I was attempting to pull the mohair out of the gears of the bike, I realized that that innocent time was gone. I could no longer take or leave the yarn. I had become powerless over my addiction.

What I think you do not understand is that words like "Elsebeth Lavold Angora, $3.99 a skein" is to me what the words "free beer" are in that aforementioned trailer park. Likewise the phrases "up to 70% off", "limited time only" and "closeout". I am weak, and I'm not afraid to admit it.

It gets worse, though. See, you and I both know that I have no use whatsoever for 2700 yards of safety-cone-orange yarn in mismatched dyelots. However, offer it for $2.57 a skein, and the idea of a knitted safety vest with gently graduating shades of orange will suddenly seem logical--even appealing to me. I don't have a baby, and I don't have any friends with babies, but put the baby yarn on sale and just watch me stock up on enough yarn to outfit every kid in the cabbage patch. Twice.

I would need to adopt a family of barefoot centipedes in order to make my shamefully huge sock yarn collection seem logical...but I see you have some sock yarns on sale and I'm starting to wonder if the centipedes have any cold-footed cousins. I dislike boucle yarn, but show me a sale on Artful Yarns Legends for $4.79 a ball, and I can see myself in a boucle sweater...even if all you have left are two balls in lime, three in cat puke color, and one that was dropped in the toilet.

It's a sickness, I'm telling you. Lately they're saying that they may make video game addiction a legitimate diagnosis; I say I could take one of those pasty, puny, couch potato teenagers without even trying--but just let him try to come between me and my discount angora blend.

In any case, I have one favor to ask you: I will send you a photo of my yarn stash, now not only accumulated to beyond life expectancy, but well beyond the life expectancy of elephants, blue whales, sea turtles, and even twinkies. Please circulate the photo to all yarn companies. You won't even need to send along a note--it will become apparent that I should be immediately cut off. No responsible yarn company would let me knit in this condition--much less sell me more yarn.

If you cannot do that, then please send me the following:

5 skeins of the Kimono Ribbon in the pink/sage/cream colorway
20 balls of Filature di Crosa Baby Kid Extra in assorted colors
Several of the yarn grab bags
A carpenter and architect to help design and construct the new yarn room on my house
A winning lottery ticket so that I no longer need waste valuable knitting time working
Three extra sets of arms so I can knit four garments simultaneously
Some new foam to fill in my assprint on the couch where I like to knit
400 hours worth of books on tape to listen to while knitting so that I can pretend to be improving my mind (feel free to put trashy novels in covers describing them as some sort of "important" literature)
A maid and a cook to further free up my knitting time
A washer and dryer that will actually fold the clothes and put them away
100 cold, naked people (preferably friendly and fond of knitwear)
Some sort of cure for the need to sleep

Thank you so much for your attention to this matter. I remain

Your addicted knitter
Ms. K

p.s. You're all bastards.
p.p.s. Can I through some of the Nashua Painted Forest onto that order?

11 Comments:

  • At 11:01 PM, Anonymous MonicaPDX said…

    I have only one burning question:

    Where the hell is this sale??!!?

    Not that I have any money. *kof* Just... Want to be informed. You know. In case. (Despite the fact that the Oregon Flock & Fiber Festival is coming up in September, I just got an offer for a ride down to Canby, and I need to save up for that temptation. Eep!)

     
  • At 12:10 AM, Blogger Jo said…

    Look on the bright side, Flo, your stash is not going to kill you, unlike some other addictions! Have you seen this...http://mochimochiland.com/weblog/?p=111

    The worlds biggest stash...something to aim for?

     
  • At 3:42 AM, Anonymous marti said…

    i think that you need to lead some of the rest of us down that path...now which company is that?

     
  • At 6:53 AM, Blogger KnitTech said…

    Please add to your list: masseuse to massage your knitting arm when it starts to get tired. Preferably, young and buff.

     
  • At 7:52 AM, Blogger J. Denae said…

    Oh Mrs. K... the yarn companies aren't trying to tempt you! They are really in trouble and need our help to reduce the amount of yarn in their warehouses (ooooh, warehouses of yarn... drool). It is up to us to save them!! Credit cards high, people - Attack!!

     
  • At 8:57 AM, Blogger Peg-woolinmysoup said…

    Me, too - where is the sale! I could knit a vest for one of the gals at the construction sites around here - it will need a pocket for the cigs! You always give me a chuckle Ms. K!

     
  • At 10:49 AM, Anonymous angie Cox said…

    Yarn patches ..must be the answer Florence .If not do you think they'll invent an innoculation ? I think all us girls and some guys are nesting types .We can't fly off and pick up leaves etc ( well we could). You see my doctor tells me my "Fight or Flight" is on over-drive most of the time so I am a very un-developed possibly Neanderthal .

     
  • At 4:32 PM, Blogger Misty The Kneedler said…

    Having just been shown the Webs sale brochure by a fellow addict I know exactly how you feel - and I'm so grateful that the yarns you want are not the sameones I want,so there's more left for both of us!

     
  • At 6:09 AM, Blogger Robin said…

    Hello, my name is Robin and I'm a yarn-a-holic!
    I'm glad I don't live near this store, I think my credit card would melt!

     
  • At 8:04 AM, Blogger Jo at Celtic Memory Yarns said…

    Monica, Marti, Peg all got ahead of me but I'll ask anyway. You don't still happen to have that sale info, do you?

    Just wondering....

    Oh oh - Misti says it's the Webs sale brochure? 'Scuse me, got to dash...

    (Yarn patches, Angie? Good thinking...)

     
  • At 7:51 PM, Blogger Angeluna said…

    Howling with laughter, tears running down my face, my very calm cat is staring at me sure I've lost my mind. Laughed so hard I can't think of a darn clever thing to say. Thanks!

     

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