The Life and Times of Florence Knitingale

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Toes Go In First

When I was a child I remember seeing a cartoon where a man of questionable intelligence had his shoes labelled TGIF--for Toes Go In First. I thought it hysterical at the time....now I'm starting to wonder if that wasn't an eerie glimpse into the future of my country. For you see, I was making a pasta dish this evening, using some pre-packaged fresh pasta and I happened to glance at the directions in order to be certain of the cooking time. It was then that I saw the following: "Directions: Bring 4 quarts of water to a boil in a large saucepan (I guess there goes my idea of cooking it in a teacup). Remove pasta from package....." and so on. I admit that there is such a thing as boil-in-bag food, but this was a plastic BOX. And the frightening thing is the realization that this had to be put on the label because someone somewhere tried to cook the damned pasta in a plastic box and couldn't figure out what went wrong. See what I mean? Scary stuff. These are the people who share the road with me each morning when I go to work, after all.



It made me wonder what I'm going to see next. For instance:

  • Underwear: Place one leg in each of the smaller holes. Do not attempt to place them in the holes simultaneously. Pull up until crotch of garment is as close as possible to anatomical crotch. STOP PULLING UP.

  • Fork: Pierce desired food with pointy end. Place carefully in mouth. Do not pierce tongue. Stop pushing into mouth if you begin to gag.

  • Disposable Diapers: Place on rounded end of baby with permanent vertical smile and no eyes. Fasten securely. Change when damp or smelling foul.


  • Couch: Place rump on cushions. Lean back. Do not attempt to cook while using.


  • Toothpaste: Dispense small amount onto brush designed for the cleaning of teeth. Rub back and forth on teeth only. Do not brush eyes or nostrils. Do not attempt while driving. Do not use to marinate lamb.


  • Telephone: Pick up receiver. Say hello. Wait for response.


  • Rake: Place pointed bits against the ground. Pull towards you with gentle pressure. Stop if you feel a sharp pain in your foot. Lift rake off foot, place against ground, and try again. If pain returns or blood appears, stop using rake at once and try to find someone with two brain cells to help you.


  • Knife: Place pointed end against food to be cut. Push or saw carefully. Do not store in couch cushions or toy box.


  • Keys: Insert in lock. Turn. Open door. Repeat as necessary.


  • Shower: Turn handle until water comes out of shower head (big silver thing up above your head). Step under it. If a burning feeling in the skin is observed, step out and turn knob until water is no longer scalding.


  • Milk: Pour into glass. Bring glass to lips. Tip glass up while opening mouth. Swallow. Repeat. Do not mix with bleach, hair dye, nuclear waste, algae, or ground glass.


  • Pen: Place against paper. Move hand to make lines. Do not shove into ear.


  • Paper Bag: Open bag and stand it on a flat surface. Place items inside bag. Pick up bag and carry to desired location. Do not use to transport live fish, battery acid, tuna casserole (unless in a dish), flaming swords, electric eels, used hypodermic needles, barbed wire, or carpenter ants.


  • Coffeepot: Pour hot coffee into mug. Do not drink directly from coffeepot. Do not pour coffee into lap as this will cause painful burning of crotch.


  • Mixer: Place in food to be mixed. Press "on" button. Move mixer around until food all looks the same. Do not attempt to lick beaters until machine is turned back off. Do not use to style hair.


  • Socks: Toes go in first, one sock per foot. Placement of both socks on one foot may result in sweating of one foot and chilling of the other. Putting heels or knees into socks first may result in damage to the sock.


  • Buttonhole: Push through buttonhole directly opposite button on the same garment. Do not button skirt to sweater, as this may result in partial nudity when neither garment is properly closed. Manufacturer not responsible for indecent exposure arrests.


  • Pom-Pom: Wave around while yelling enthusiastically. Do not set on fire. Do not dip in sauerkraut. Do not stitch several together and use as a bra.


  • Car radio: Push "on" button. Listen to music. Sway, sing, or bop around as desired. Musicians and disc jockeys are not really in car--do not attempt to convince them to perform only songs that you like or try to get them to sing it your way.


  • Scissors: For most people, just put them down and walk slowly away from them.
I told Gussie about all this....she says she's not a bit surprised, as she always knew cats were far superior. As far as she's concerned, the cat food bag reads: "Find human. Meow non-stop for as long as necessary to get them to feed you. Under no circumstances appear grateful in any way."





In addition to bemoaning the state of future America, I did get some knitting done but it looks the same as it did in the last pictures only a bit bigger so I opted not to put more pictures up just yet. I also did some sewing and produced this scrub top of my own design:


The picture was taken at an odd angle--I promise the pockets aren't crooked even though they appear to be. The trim is ribbon in sparkly turquoise and light blue, and the top is pale blue although it appears nearly white in the photo (my camera apparently doesn't have clear enough instructions). I'll be putting a label in it, of course:

  • Place over head and put one arm into each sleeve. If choking sensation occurs, check to be sure that v-neck is in front. Do not wear without pants. Do not allow breasts to hang out of v-neck. Do not rub with tuna and walk through alley full of cats. If it repeatedly bursts into flame, stop wearing it.

10 Comments:

  • At 11:41 PM, Blogger Pat said…

    Dear Ms Knitingale,

    While I am pleased to see that you are making progress in your fight against scrub tops that blind the innocent, I feel I am duty bound to point out that the one shown in your blog today is FAR too restrained and tasteful for us to believe that you will ever wear it. Indeed I suspect you have only made it to throw your keepers off the scent. Please do not try and pull the wool over our eyes (as this makes it very difficult to knit with). You cannot expect us to think that anyone who would wear the shiny discoball referred to in earlier posts would ever wear the pale blue with discreet braid. Sorry love, we know you better than that! Hmmmm. Shiny fabric......

     
  • At 1:02 AM, Anonymous angie Cox said…

    Do not read Florence's posts without an emergency blow-up cushion pad attached to laptop , thus avoiding concussion!

     
  • At 5:36 AM, Blogger Holly Bernice Cox said…

    Do not do dishes as Mum reads Florence's post to you ....sorry Mum.

     
  • At 5:44 AM, Blogger ccr in MA said…

    First of all, in regards to the tooth-brushing, I know someone who was stopped in traffic, and realized that the driver behind her *was* brushing his teeth, so it can happen.

    Second, I used to work for a company that made diabetes monitors. Some of them were designed for use in hospitals, by nurses and other medical professionals. These are the units you use to test a patient's blood glucose, and they are small hand-held computers, with the keypad and screen and all. One of the warnings in the manual is not to autoclave the device.

    Which means, at least once, someone did.

     
  • At 5:50 AM, Blogger Jen said…

    Great list-- but sometimes you've just got to cook from the couch.

     
  • At 6:17 AM, Anonymous MonicaPDX said…

    Obviously, as Angie has realized, I need a label instructing me on safety precautions for reading your blog. Thank you, Angie!

    Meanwhile, I think the baby diaper instruction set was the one that did me in this time. "Permanent vertical smile..." Oh, dearie dearie me. I might have to remember that one. I've only diapered a baby once!

    PS - nice scrub top! I know, it's the scrub top version of a guerilla ambush, right? You lure 'em in close then the subtle trim captures their attention and you can give 'em a shot! Or whatever.

     
  • At 11:01 AM, Blogger Kit said…

    Warning: Flo's blog posts may cause the following side effects: anal leakage, bladder spasms, eructations, involuntary spewing of fluids through various orifices, choking, gagging, and singultus.

    Please read with extreme caution and be sure to wear incontinence briefs in case of emergencies.

     
  • At 7:23 AM, Anonymous marti said…

    Hmmm, I think that I would add rinse milk glass, put in dishwasher, but it wouldn't make any difference at my house anyway! Missed you at knitting last night...

     
  • At 8:30 AM, Anonymous Gwen said…

    Um, for telephone, you left out an important part of the instructions. Either, "Hear phone ring..." or "Pick up receiver. Dial telephone number. Wait for someone to say Hello..."

    Because I might pick up my phone Right Now and say hello and wait all day for someone to respond.

     
  • At 6:14 AM, Blogger Robin said…

    Okay...so I'm catching up on all my blog reading...I've read the last 3 of yours and my stomach hurts...how many calories have I burned? Will this count towards my "activity" for the day?

    My gosh woman...you seriously need to do stand up!

     

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