The Life and Times of Florence Knitingale

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Insomnia

A state of sleeplessness: an inability to fall asleep, or to awaken early before adequate sleep has been achieved. From the latin, meaning "It's o'crap o'clock in the morning AGAIN and this is no longer amusing."

I don't always know why I get insomnia. It's something that sort of slips gently into my life from time to time, lovingly siphoning my brain out of my head while sanding my eyeballs and releasing small gnomes with hammers into the now empty space in my head. This time, though, I have discovered that the reason is very likely an antibiotic that my doctor put me on. I am now using my early morning hours (2:30 am seems to be my new wake up time...even if I go to sleep at midnight) to hunt tirelessly for her home phone number, in order that I may call her up to chat when this wonder drug works it's wee hours magic and share all the fun that I'm having. I will be finished with the stuff soon but, in the meanwhile, I thought I'd share with you some of the strange and interesting things that go through my mind at 3:00 am (right after "It's WHAT &*%^# time?" and " Dr So-and So, I am going to hunt you down."). For instance:

How come cats don't smell bad, when they bathe in their own spit?

The town of Humptulips (yes, that's real, I swear on my entire sock yarn collection) is named for a Native American. If it's true that many Native populations name children after what was happening either at the moment of conception or the moment of birth, what in the world was going on in this village??? And how many other innocents were named after the local flower molester?? Somewhere, are there people named Fondleviolet or Rubdaisy?

Who was the first person to eat raisins and realize they were good? And whatever possessed him/her to say "Huh. All the grapes have become black and wrinkly. Wonder if they're still good?" Cause I generally stay away from food that's become black and wrinkly.

I also wonder if the above mentioned raisin taster died a little bit later, his last words having been "Huh. The pork we were saving has become all black and wrinkly. But hey-the grapes were good."

Is "the best thing since sliced bread" really high praise? Or are the people who use that phrase really saying "Eh. It's okay. You know, kinda bready." Cause I can think of quite a few things better than sliced bread. Now, if something were "the best thing since someone finally got around to tasting chocolate instead of using it for currency", that would mean something.

If the police are public servants, how come they don't have to bring me stuff when I ask them to? And you know, they're doing a crappy job on my housework. Really letting the place slide.

If I purchased enough steel wool, could I knit myself a car?

When I was buying vitamins recently, I noticed that they have formulas for men, and formulas for women. If I took one of the ones for men, would it get terribly lost and confused in my body? Would it wander around aimlessly, muttering "Damn, I don't recognize ANYTHING!"

Why can't I leave comments on Kitty Mommy's blog? I still can't, by the way, try thought I might. I don't remember doing anything to offend it. Maybe my blog called her blog something nasty?

If you put a pair of those little cymbals in George Bush's hands, I'll bet he'd look just like one of those little wind-up monkeys that sits and bashes the cymbals together until your mom comes in and steps on it.

I refuse to take pictures with my phone until my camera is allowed to place and receive calls. It's only fair.

Grapefruit apparently grow in clusters like grapes, hence the name (although it does smack of laziness on the part of the scientist who named it). So, gooseberries then.....

Who was it who watched American football, with it's huge, padded men and violence and injury, and decided that what it really needed was a bunch of girls in skirts up to their hoo-has, waving around balls of ribbons? This seems like a leap to me. And really--were spectators prior to this invention sitting stupidly in the stands, saying "Gee, I wonder how I could express my excitement and support of my team. If only there were someone to lead me!"?

Why do they call it rush hour? I don't think 20mph on the freeway really qualifies as rushing anywhere.

I only have one ass, so I don't quite get why underwear come in a pair. On the other hand, I have two boobs and the undergarment I wear on THEM is somehow a single bra. Shouldn't it really be a pair of bra?

Why do knitting patterns say things like "sleeves--make 2"? Was there really some knitter once upon a time who made a one-sleeved sweater and poured over the pattern for hours trying to figure out what went wrong? Or did she just keep knitting sleeves, wondering where to stop?

The fashion designer who dares to declare big, doughy thighs this seasons "must have accessory" will be an overnight millionaire. Especially if he gave away donuts with all of his designs. Mmmm....donuts.

If donuts and chocolate and pizza were healthy and necessary to a balanced diet, would we all be sitting around craving broccoli?

Why do we call them "scrubs"? The first people to wear them were surgeons....who weren't doing a lot of scrubbing. I guess calling them "cut people opens" would probably weird people out.

I've often thought that anatomy is unnecessarily verbose and confusing. For instance, we could have fingers, and feet fingers. Why do we need the word "toes"?

Enough ruminating (although that word does beg the question of why we call cud-chewing animals "ruminants". Did someone really think that cows are standing out there having deep thoughts?). It is raining and I have a day of knitting and sewing planned. Then I have a night of thinking bad things about my doctor planned.

Knit on.

7 Comments:

  • At 12:06 PM, Anonymous angie Cox said…

    Oh Florence you are priceless ! In a comedy here a woman took viagra by mistake and was terrified it would get to the "Cul-de-sac" and have nowhere to go !!

     
  • At 4:16 PM, Blogger Kim said…

    Beautiful -- just beautiful! I love having you back. I hope the meds vs. sleep issue gets resolved soon, though. That's rotten.

     
  • At 6:00 PM, Blogger Lynn said…

    I need to bookmark this particular essay for the next time that the Insomnia Fairy pays a visit to my home. And I am adding "steel wool" to the shopping list; now I know what to do with my 0000s since finishing all those pairs of "Los Lobe Hose". A car knitted up from steel wool would also wash itself, at least for the first half dozen rainstorms. Clever girl, you!

     
  • At 10:57 PM, Anonymous MonicaPDX said…

    ::massive snickering:: Ohgod ohgod ohgod, there's just too much to single out. Wonderful! I nearly strained something from not being able to breathe.

    Oh - wait, ok - even though I don't live in WA, I too have used Humptulips as an example of names up here! (I love our names. We have the coolest names in the country, I think. And I keep telling people about 'em.) I've sworn up and down it's a real name - along with things like Tulalip and Scappoose and Drain - but I still get the distinct impression, even without visual confirmation, that every time I've written it whoever's out there on the 'net reading is saying skeptically, "Pull the other one..."

    I always tell 'em to Google it. Them. Whatever. [eg]

     
  • At 9:00 AM, Blogger beckie said…

    Oh...Humptulips is the place to be, didn't you know that? Hehehe..That town name has always amused me as well..

     
  • At 7:47 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    We need "toes" because it rhymes with "nose" and that makes babies laugh.

     
  • At 12:44 PM, Blogger Kitty Mommy said…

    LOL

    I don't know why my blog is unhappy with you! :( It's not me and I looked around to see if I could find something stupid I did to block you, but I am mystified!

    I think I am going to start calling scrubs "cut people opens." I like that!

     

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