The Life and Times of Florence Knitingale

Saturday, May 19, 2007

Ms. K's Surefire, Can't Miss Excuses for Not Mowing the Lawn

Which is to say that it is a fine day here in Knitingaleland, the sort of day which turns a young husband's fancy to thoughts of yard care while the wife's is more firmly entrenched in more fiber-y pursuits. I feel certain that I am not the only one with this problem and so, because I care so deeply for all of you, I have taken the time to provide this helpful list. So, without further ado (because heaven knows we have plenty of ado as it is), I cannot mow the lawn today because:

1. Recent intelligence has suggested that there are alien lifeforms among us, and that these lifeforms are here with the hope of stealing all the lawn mowers on the planet in order to create a sophisticated new weapon (with mulching capacity). Do we really want to risk having our mower out where it can be seen by these horrible creatures?

2. The treasury department has just announced that, due to the continuing devaluation of the dollar, we will soon being using lawngrass for currency. Mowing the lawn would just be shredding money into little bits.

3. Unbeknownst to anyone, I am a superhero charged with keeping the city safe from nefarious villains with weird names who wear underwear outside their clothing. The sound of the lawn mower would surely drown out any pleas for help that may come, to say nothing of the fact that my cape could get shredded in the blades. Do you want the demise of innocent citizens on your conscience? Or the tumbling to earth of a capeless superhero?

4. The rhubarb appears to have become sentient and may have armed itself. I fear that it would see the whirling blades of the mower as a declaration of war and then we'd all be doomed. No one should have to come face to leaf with an angry, knife-wielding rhubarb.

5. The interesting pattern on the socks I've been knitting actually contains--in code--the formula for cold fusion as well as a cure for male pattern baldness. If I don't keep working on it, I fear my brilliance will be lost to humanity, as will the hairiness of future generations. Angry, knife-wielding bald men are not much better than angry, knife-wielding rhubarb.

6. A band of leprechauns have approached me from the shamrock bed in the back yard with a cease and desist order. They are alleging hearing damage from the noise of the mower, as well as damage to property and some post traumatic stress disorder. They are threatening lawsuits. Need I say anything about the proclivities of angry leprechauns?

7. A courier came by yesterday with a proclamation stating that I am, in fact, the long lost queen of a little known country called Fnordia. It is strictly forbidden for their royalty to have any contact with grass, and the punishment is beheading. Surely a perfect lawn isn't worth anyone losing their head.

8. There are multiple colonies of mushrooms growing in the lawn that may or may not contain clouds of toxic spores which may, with exposure, turn either or both of us into mutants. Cool though some mutant powers might be, do you really think we should risk it? I know I don't want to suddenly become "the woman with snakes for legs" or something. And really, with my luck of late, it seems highly unlikely that I'd get something cool like flying or seeing through walls, or even turning vegetables into chocolate as my mutant power.

9. Today is the 13th day of the 7th lunar cycle of the 4th planet from the red star Marvatius. It is a day of terrible luck and looming disaster. Using sharp implements seems like a bad thing, under the circumstances.

10. The outdoor cats have determined that the vibrations of the mower are frightening to the mice and voles that they would like to disembowel so as to leave disgusting little bits in the garage (the better to watch me playing "mouse organ shuffleboard" with the long-handled broom). They have organized and assure me that they will not hesitate to hold me hostage if I even think of mowing the lawn. Worse--they're cats. You just know they'd torment and play with me for hours.

11. I recently traded three stuffed cows and a cookie-dough brownie for some magic beans, which I then tossed into the yard. Given that a beanstalk should be shooting out of there any day, and given that beanstalk is certain to lead us to gold and riches (we'll forget the giant for a minute here), do we really want to risk cutting the thing down?

12. As a child, I was viciously attacked by a rogue dandelion. Must I keep reliving the trauma?

I can almost guarantee that the use of any of these will keep you from lawn duty, at least until the 24 hour committment ends. And hey, you can get a lot of knitting done in 24 hours. You'll know how well it worked for me tomorrow, if I have a finished sock to show you or just a completely disbelieving husband and some rhubarb wounds.

Carry on. I'm off to attend to the people of Fnordia.


  • At 11:04 AM, Blogger Melissa said…

    Ingenious. I really will have to see if some of those will work for me. Then again, I have nothing to complain about when it comes to yard work so...

  • At 11:04 AM, Blogger Marianne said… posted this just a tad late for me today, Ms.K, having just finished dear Mom's yard...with a zillion sticks and branches picked up plus the HUGE limb that was 'hanging' got it down, lopped up into more manageable pieces, tossed said pieces then hauled and heaved large skeletal limb up (umph) on top of brush pile.....then mowed the huge expanse...did I mention all the poison ivy?
    I will, however, print out this post and keep it close by and so I thank you,....hey, need any help with the Fnordians?

  • At 12:17 PM, Blogger Charity said…

    This is just the list I needed today! :0)

  • At 2:16 PM, Blogger Jo said…

    I'm lucky because although we have quite a lawn to mow, I've only attempted it once, the lawnmower is too temperamental and heavy for me to handle, if he wants me to do it he's got to buy me a ride on mower, and I'm not budgeing, but I'll keep these useful excuses handy and adapt them to suit my needs!

  • At 11:50 PM, Anonymous angie Cox said…

    Ah for once I am glad we have no lawn !! That was so funny ...if you don't get published one day I shall think the World quite mad.I thought Roo's book made me laugh but you out do that. I appreciate you can't tell stories about your time with Madonna or Sharon Stone ...yet .

  • At 9:51 AM, Blogger Marty52 said…

    Damn but it is nice to have you back blogging... you have a gift, my dear!

  • At 1:25 PM, Anonymous MonicaPDX said…

    Fnord! ::gigglesnerk::

    I would be proud to use any of those excellent excuses, if only I had a lawn. Alas, 2nd-floor apartments don't come with one. Good thing, actually, as I'd be even worse at doing yardwork than I am at housework. The closest I've come to the former is turning the cows, donkeys or horses into the yard to 'mow' it when we lived out in the country. If there had been the threat of yardwork, I could've used Nos. 4, 6, 10 and 12 myself. We had rhubarb, clover, my cat, and - when we lived in the city - a lawn that was mostly dandelions.

    Although come to think of it... Man, what I really coulda used back then was an excuse to get out of lugging and setting up irrigation pipe every summer. I believe that would count as yardwork; possibly extreme yardwork. Even on a small farm that's a real pain. Where were you before I graduated from high school and moved back to the city??? I can't believe the thoughtlessness of you being so poky as to have been born later than me! Hmph. ;)

  • At 2:11 PM, Blogger Kitty Mommy said…

    P.S. Tag, you're it (maybe) blog explains...


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