The Life and Times of Florence Knitingale

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Help Wanted

Wanted: Personal assistant for reasonably harmless madwoman with severe yarn obsession and an alarming tendency to anthropomorphize her cats. Applicants should be bright, friendly, well-groomed, and not easily frightened. Duties are to include the completion of household tasks such as vacuuming, dusting, etc, so that the madwoman may soothe herself with her knitting. It will be in your best interest, I assure you. Other tasks include (but are not limited to):

Locate lost knitting needles
Hide chocolate most of the time
Murmur soothing words on days leading up to tests
Protect madwoman's husband from relentless angsting on part of madwoman regarding nursing school application process (it may be necessary to throw your body in front of her or, alternatively, to reveal location of small amounts of chocolate)
Examine all knitted projects dozens or hundreds of times (quite possibly after every two rows) and assure the madwoman that yes, it looks right, yes, it looks like it will fit, no, the colors are not pooling, etc. Important that you appear as enthusiastic with the 700th request as you do with the 1st.
Keep constantly appraised of all yarn sales and fiber events in a 30 mile radius and informing madwoman before it is too late for her to go.
Attend these sales and events...but know when to encourage wanton abandon and when to firmly lead her from the store. This can be tricky.
Quiz madwoman on anatomy, microbiology, or whatever is most pressing at the time, thus leaving her hands free to knit.
Notice when madwoman is developing jailhouse pallor from too much time indoors knitting and studying; move her with books, yarn, needles, and water bottle out to back deck if it is sunny.
Remember contents of yarn stash, to help avoid duplicating purchases
Forget contents of yarn stash, to help madwoman avoid full awareness of obsession.
Discourage unrealistic belief that madwoman could quit school, forget competition required to enter nursing school, and knit or buy yarn for a living.
Encourage color diversity when stash begins to look like a big, teal furball.
Try on partially completed socks whenever asked.
Remind madwoman (gently) that dinner should not include any food with the the word "gummi" in the title, or pictures of cartoon characters anywhere on the package.
Write down everything madwoman says she needs to remember to do. She will not remember.
Remove sticks from her hands when she falls asleep on the couch.
Translate charts
Be convincing when saying repeatedly "Don't worry. You'll figure that pattern out. I promise."

The successful candidate will possess:

Patience
Mind reading ability
Yarn resistance
Chocolate resistance
Ability to appear calm.
Disorganization skills (too much organization makes her nervous)
More patience

Compensation package to include:

Knitting lessons
Free cat cuddles, at all hours
Trips to wool shops all over the Pacific Northwest
Opportunity to learn about all kinds of medical stuff
All the cookies and boozy ho you can eat.

It would be good if you could keep her from doing this....:


...but reasonable expectations are encouraged. The yarn store was closing and no one should be required to overcome the pull of THAT.

Please send resume to Ms. Knitingale. If you are a male willing to perform assistant duties wearing no shirt, please send photo.

10 Comments:

  • At 12:37 AM, Anonymous MonicaPDX said…

    Drat. I don't qualify. (cf. 'well-groomed', 'quiz on all sorts of medical thingummies', 'remember contents of stash' [got it down on the forgetting and disorganization], 'yarn/chocolate resistance', 'ability to appear calm' - !!! - and especially 'translate charts'. My brain doesn't Get Charts.)

    Well, hmph. There go my dreams of wool shop visits, unlimited cat cuddles, cookies and boozy ho. Not to mention the opportunities for frequent fits of hysterical laughter, from the sounds of it. But if you get any male applicants, can we see the photos? You know, in case you need... uh... Help! Yeah, help. In judging. Whatever. You know. And looks like you scored some gorgeous yarn, there, so go you! I agree; totally justified. A store closing overrides all pledges.

     
  • At 12:44 AM, Blogger Jo said…

    Does that include room and board?, if I didn't wish to sit and knit with you I would certainly apply!

     
  • At 1:44 AM, Anonymous angie Cox said…

    I WANT !!!!! I think I'll send form to Rupert Everett assuring Jeff he has no worries as Roopie is Gay so a gal can just look .

     
  • At 4:17 AM, Blogger Marianne said…

    hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

    Mmmmmmm, that yarn is beautiful!

    I'd apply for the job if you'd hire an assistant for me..you know, to take care of all that cleaning stuff and divvy out those 700 enthusiastic responses....eh?

     
  • At 6:45 AM, Blogger Karen said…

    I'm sorry I can't fill the job opening you have, but if you get more than one applicant, could you send her my way?

     
  • At 7:00 AM, Blogger Kit said…

    I would happily volunteer except I'm looking after my mom-on-chemo which requires

    1. Remembering for her what food items we need and throwing out everything that has grown sentient enough to charge rent space in the fridge.

    2. Clean the laundry frequently enough so that the house doesn't start smelling like the dog's been doing all her business in one corner instead of the great out doors.

    3. Smile charmingly at the umpteenth joke about "chemo brain" (she's not fooling anyone, she was THAT absent-minded BEFORE cancer even thought of moving into her boob, it's the physics-professor-syndrome) after she fails to remember Christmas, New Years, and birthdays.

    4. Make meals that she turns her nose up at because "they don't taste good anymore".

    5. Try to find a moment's peace to knit, which is becoming more and more elusive due to 1-4.

    Alas. Pass me some Ho.

     
  • At 7:14 AM, Anonymous Jill said…

    See now? That's exactly the kind of job I'm looking for. Can a personal assistant have an assistant? Y'know, for all those reasons you listed...especially that boy bit!

     
  • At 7:22 AM, Blogger Kitty Mommy said…

    Anthropomorphizing cats? Practically normal. We anthropomorphize pee at our house. When Bug finally decides it's time to dump and flush, it has to be done right away because the pee worries about finding his friends at the end of the pipe.

    If ya get any extra applicants, shoot them over my way. The job description isn't exactly the same, but...

     
  • At 7:46 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    What is Boozy Ho?

     
  • At 11:41 AM, Blogger beckie said…

    I would apply but I am afraid that I am too organized for your taste and alas, I would eat up all the hidden chocolate stash....

    (I have a problem..)

     

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