The Life and Times of Florence Knitingale

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Aim, and Other Matters of Importance

Even in today's modern world, I think few would disagree that many professions are still heavily male-dominated. The military, the police and the fire department are all made up primarily of men. And, even though women have entered all of these areas, I think it safe to say that there are still more men than women working in artillery, firing missiles, putting water on fires, aiming weapons at criminals...and this concerns me. See, I just finished cleaning the bathroom...and I'm here to tell you:

Men cannot aim.
Indeed, their ability to aim is so desperately impaired that I think it's quite amazing that they don't accidentally put out an eye when combing their hair on a regular basis. It's not like we have a little miniature toilet, either--it's full-sized and frankly, I'm the only reason the INSIDE of it ever needs cleaning. Sadly, I think a wading pool would still not provide an ample enough target for the aim-challenged creatures with whom some of us have chosen to live.
And yet...they give them guns.
Which brings me to a thought. A friend of mine very helpfully offered me the wisdom "what would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?" And I think this is, indeed, very wise and certainly leads one to consider loftier goals and ambitions and reminds one that nothing much can be accomplished without risk and so on and so forth. But today was a toilet-cleaning day (or rather, the area AROUND the toilet) and so my ability to absorb wisdom has been surgically removed and replaced with caustic wit (rather like another friend of mine who pointed out that if everyone lived every day as if it were their last, no one would ever do the laundry or pay the rent). I do not think of myself as a cynical person in general....but you know, there are those things that tax us. Here is my "bathroom cleaning day"list of things I would attempt if I knew I could not fail (it's probably much nicer on other days):

1. (Of course) Teach husband to pee IN toilet.

2. Withdraw 1 million dollars from my bank account without unpleasant repercussions (no, I do not actually have 1 million dollars...that's why it's something that has to wait until I know I cannot fail. Right now I would fail abysmally).

3. Make chocolate the national food.

4. Wear capri pants without looking like a gnome on stilts. Wearing floods.

5. Purchase a self-cleaning house.

6. Mow lawn while seated in the house knitting.

7. Have brains implanted in all our political leaders.

8. Cast on precisely the correct number of stitches...the first time. Or even the second.

9. Cover the bed in cashmere yarn and roll around in it naked. (Hey, we all have dreams.)

10. Teach husband the powerful secret of separating toothpaste globbies from sink enamel before the two substances become one and the same.

11. Disable the pine needle magnets that exist in all of our rugs, and which are apparently significantly stronger immediately after I've vacuumed.

12. Make two more or less identical socks.

13. Learn the physics of cat barf and feet so as to just once find it VISUALLY first.

14. Shave hair from legs instead of skin.

15. Teach husband the challenging mechanics of running water and dirty spoon. Or glass with milk and warm room for three days. Or damp laundry and mildew fairies. Or....

16. Convince advertising executives the world over that I have two brain cells to rub together and actually do find a few things more compelling than bright white clothes or shiny dishes.

Yeah, I know. Some dreams are beyond even the power of genies. On the brighter side, check out the mosaic sock:

The pattern changes to plain stripes on the foot (so it won't be bulky), which actually looks good in person--even though it looks a little weird in the photo. It looks better in this next one:

And Charity, it's the Ceaser's Check sock from Charlene Schurch's wonderful book "Sensational Socks", worked in Koigu. I wish it photographed better because it's so much prettier in person. I'll have to add "take picture that bears some sort of resemblance to the actual subject" to that list.

Gracie, of course, has no such worries...:

...having long since realized that everything done by a cat is perfect anyway.....


  • At 5:30 PM, Blogger Marianne said…

    The sock is GORGEOUS!! Hi sweet Gracie...
    Yeah, what is it with the toothpaste globbies they just leave in the sink? (whap forehead).

  • At 7:41 PM, Blogger Lynn said…

    Love that dark grey [or is it black?] with the variations-on-the-theme-of-red in your mosaic sock.

    Wondering how said sock would look on my cankles and thinking I'll risk it, LOL.

    Adding yet another book to my list...

  • At 7:42 PM, Blogger Dianne said…

    My Gosh Woman..are you up to a sock a day?..that is absolutely gorgeous!! I just got that book last once I'm beyond beginner level I will check that out.
    As for the 'Missed Potty'...they all tend to have 'visions'..whilst they should be tending 'matters at hand'...Happy Knitting~~

  • At 12:05 AM, Anonymous angie Cox said…

    Oh Gracie you are so beautiful ! .Holly is in love with Capri pants but only as worn by Jackie Kennedy and so in Pucci silk ( I think I got that right ? ). I want no 5 and quick ..,7, 9 , 11 and 14 . I can't imagine as a woman even wanting to be in the military ,Police etc but then as Woody says "I'm allergic to pain" Not that I think men should ne all macho either that's for sure .Lucily for me my husband can aim and he can clean and his ironing is just gorgeous. Since he got sick he hasn't been able to do any so that is six weeks .Holly has started missing her dresses so I got out the iron last night.First thing is I spray and 500 tons of limescale hits her black silk which I blow away as she looks on in dread . She spent the rest of the time laughing like a drain at my half-hearted attempts. I finish in a bath of sweat ( cos that's how I am ..even on a cold day ..attractive no? ) and find the airing cupboard is still full. I fold all bedding and I never iron anything you can't see so where is it coming from , is anyone dumping in my cupboard?

  • At 4:28 AM, Blogger Jo said…

    Fantastically funny as ever, and complete awe of the sock...I'll keep my eye out for the book!

  • At 5:27 AM, Blogger Robin said…

    Love the sock!!

    We could threaten *them* with permanent catheter an you are a nurse who could make it as easy or difficult and/or painful as you want!

  • At 5:38 AM, Blogger ccr in MA said…

    Cats and worries don't go together anyway. Cats can have anxieties and startlement ("What was that noise?!"), but they never worry. And they are perfect, in their own minds always, and in our minds mostly. Great photo, great Gracie, and what a sock!

  • At 11:45 AM, Blogger Kitty Mommy said…

    My four-year-old boy had a much better aim than his daddy. Unfortunately, I think it is because peeing in the potty is still a novelty and is holding his attention for the time being. Eventually, he'll be multi-tasking (daydreaming!) like Daddy. *sigh*

  • At 11:47 AM, Blogger beckie said…

    Loving the sock!

    Just read your essay- it is fantastic! I am praying for you!

  • At 4:17 PM, Blogger Ms. Knitingale said…

    Lynn, the yarn is actually black, and the stuff that looks red is really a delightfully loud yarn with bright pinks and oranges with some softer tones as well. But I like your gray and red idea. (You made me snort water out of my nose with that "cankle" comment!) No, I'm definitely not up to a sock a day...but these are addictive! They knit up really fast, even though they look complicated. And yeah, that multitasking thing may indeed be the man/toilet/aim problem. Geeze...wouldn't you think they could concentrate on one thing for the time it take to pee?? Marianne, is that why the toothpaste globbies, too? I'll never get it. Robin, I like your catheter idea...especially since I've not done it before. That makes it a real threat.....and Beckie, I'm very appreciative of those prayers. All of you guys make a huge difference on this journey for me.


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