The Life and Times of Florence Knitingale

Saturday, October 14, 2006

And if elected......

"Anyone desirous of holding political office should be immediately disqualified for exactly that reason." I wish I remember who said that.

I know it’s quite absurd to wish that politicians were honest, or even reasonably decent. But I also know I’m probably not the only one who’s had it up to the metaphorical “here” (I’m 5’8”, so that’s pretty far) with all the nastiness and the mudslinging and the fact distortion perpetrated by both parties. I really want to see some honest election campaigns—like this, maybe:

“My opponent says that I have recklessly cut spending to social programs. True enough….but hey. As long as you’re not poor, you can still vote for me….right?”

“Sure I’ve had sex with every woman within a 20 mile radius. Isn’t that proof of what a good multi-tasker I am?”

“Anyone can balance the budget with good numbers. It takes talent to do it the way I do, with creative lies and careful hiding of funds.”

“Yes, I’ve hired every stupid relative I have, and they’re not doing any good whatsoever in my current office. But aren’t you glad they’re not working for you?”

“I don’t have an opinion on that issue…..largely because I don’t understand it. It doesn’t really matter, though, because I’m such a spineless weenie that I’ll actually take whatever opinion seems to be the most popular anyway.”

“Truth. It’s such a relative term…..don’t you think?”

“Tax cuts? Absolutely. As long as you’re all members of congress, you’re going to love my new budget plan.”

“Honestly speaking, I don’t know property tax from thumbtacks. My daddy pays for my house….but I can see you think it’s an important issue….. maybe your property NEEDS to be tacked down…?”

“Fair wages? Why, yes. I think my wages are very fair indeed….although I’ll be voting myself a raise as soon as I get into office, seeing as how I’ll have much more responsibility. You understand.”

“My opponent is definitely the better candidate….but please don’t vote for him. I hate that guy.”

“I would take a stand on the issue of having a national language, but frankly I have little or no skill with my own language or any other. I kind of hate to pin myself down.”

“True, my voting record is all over the place. But have you TRIED to read all those bills they put before congress? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Eventually, I just started flipping a coin.”

“Yes, I did say I’d direct dollars away from educational programs. Why not? MY children are all adults. I don’t give a rat’s tushie about yours.”

“I have absolutely no idea what anything I just said means. My speechwriter put it all together and I memorized it phonetically. Can we order pizza?”

“The homeless situation in our community is very disturbing to me. Please elect me so I don’t have to think about it anymore.”

“Elect me, and I will do my best to stay out of jail for at least the length of my term in office. As long as you don’t look too closely at the books….”

“My maid is undocumented, exploited, and horribly underpaid? Well…how would I know that? I don’t speak Spanish.”

“You think I’m mudslinging? Well, duh. I’m sure as hell not going to get elected on my brains, personality, or stand on the….what do you call them? Issues?”

“I’m just pretending to listen to you……”

I could go on all day…..let’s just say it’s gonna be a long election year.

In better news, I finished Mr. K’s socks:

He likes ‘em…but I had a heck of a time getting him to pose for a whole picture:

I’ve started a new pair of socks for myself in a lace pattern with some lovely wool I bought in Las Vegas (Wooly Wonders, check it out if you’re ever there…it’s on Tropicana, I think). It’s giving me fits, however, trying to get the numbers right and I absolutely refuse to reward the nasty thing by taking its picture. If it starts to behave, I’ll put one up tomorrow.


  • At 9:38 PM, Blogger Cindy G said…

    Amen on the election hot air. I've reached the point where I hit the mute button every time a political ad comes on - even for the candidates I'm pulling for. Ban all political TV advertising, I say. Oh, and I like Mr K's socks.

  • At 4:33 AM, Blogger ambermoggie said…

    was it Lazarus Long in the Robert Heinlein books?
    amber in Scotland

  • At 5:25 AM, Anonymous Marianne said…

    I love Lazarus Long.
    I really do not like politicians.
    Las Vegas?????
    What lace sock pattern are you using?
    Mr. K's socks are fabulous!

  • At 9:49 AM, Anonymous angie cox said…

    You've had a secret microphone in The House you J.Edgar you .It sure is hard here too .I'd vote Green but at National level I might as well throw my vote away. They should invent mini lie detectors that are strapped onto would be politicians like wheel clamps. No exceptions then imagine all the loud beeps we might all hear !

  • At 5:28 PM, Blogger Ms. Knitingale said…

    That's it!!! The Notebooks of Lazurus Long, by Robert Heinlein. You guys so rule....

  • At 3:01 PM, Blogger Jo said…

    Would I want to join a club that would even think of having me in as a member?

    Celtic Memory Yarns


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