Imagine

Have you ever wondered what we did before the internet? If you're my age (or, God forbid, OLDER), you grew up without even guessing that people would actually have computers in their homes but still....doesn't it seem like a basic essential these days? There are so many things I know that I wouldn't have known without the internet. For instance:

• I would not have known that my penis is entirely too small. Thankfully, there is a nice person who calls me attention to this on a regular basis via e-mail.
• I would not have known that Brittany Spears, to everyone's great astonishment, is not mother of the year material.
• I would not have known about the famous moose-burp study
• I might never have learned that I have almost no chance of surviving a zombie attack, that I would be neopolitan if I was an ice cream flavor, or that my vampire name would be Jezebel the Demented.
• I would not have known that a very determined man could play the piano with....well...something other than his hands. I won't link it, but if you're an adventuring sort, type "piano man" and the name of the body part in question into google. Dudes. I had no idea. He probably isn't getting those e-mails I mentioned.
• I would not have known that there are at least 7456 things you can do with marshmallow fluff.
• I might never have learned the fine art of prespending 60% of my paycheck from the comfort of my home office chair in my jammies (thank you SO much, Knitpicks)
• I wouldn't have known that there are literally dozens of ways to mutilate and otherwise abuse Peeps....or that there are so many twisted individuals thinking up those ways.
• I might have missed seeing a close up photograph of a holy grilled cheese sandwich (remember the sandwich with the Virgin Mary on it?)
• I also might not have known that the woman with the sandwich had a likeness of the thing tattooed onto her breast. (Well, yeah...what would you do with a holy sandwich?)
• I would not have known just how many dangers are lurking in the world, trying to get me--like deodorant, underwire bras, and the invisible beams from cell phones.
• A logical follow-up to that last--I also wouldn't have known just how many people out there are a few french fries short of a happy meal.I wouldn't have known that I can knit a novelty yarn sweater for my cat (happily, the internet can also point me to the nearesty ER after I try to get the thing on the cat and am in need of 200+ sutures).
• I might never have heard about the woman whose cousin's sister's boyfriend's boss's brother's maid ate a handful of pop rocks washed down with coca cola and her stomach exploded. I would have completely missed the opportunity to download a free cowboy hat smiley for my e-mails
• It would have taken me much longer to figure out that I have all the wrong clothes (I have failed to replace my entire wardrobe every few months--can you imagine?), am too tall, am not blonde enough, am not an interesting enough lover, and am in dire need of botox and cellulite thigh cream.
• I would not now have the opportunity to choose from thousands of possible halloween costumes online, all of which boil down to assorted incarnations of prostitute--whether you want to be a witch, an angel, a goth fairy, or a nurse, you'll have your goodies hanging out.
• I wouldn't have learned that I have the symptoms of 47 rare diseases and can expect to live through next Tuesday at about 7:45 pm.
• I wouldn't have known what happens to spiders on drugs (watch this to the end--it is SO worth it!)

I also wouldn't have met you guys, though, and that really is the best part of all. Even better than spiders on drugs.