- I would not have known that my penis is entirely too small. Thankfully, there is a nice person who calls me attention to this on a regular basis via e-mail.
- I would not have known that Brittany Spears, to everyone's great astonishment, is not mother of the year material.
- I would not have known about the famous moose-burp study
- I might never have learned that I have almost no chance of surviving a zombie attack, that I would be neopolitan if I was an ice cream flavor, or that my vampire name would be Jezebel the Demented.
- I would not have known that a very determined man could play the piano with....well...something other than his hands. I won't link it, but if you're an adventuring sort, type "piano man" and the name of the body part in question into google. Dudes. I had no idea. He probably isn't getting those e-mails I mentioned.
- I would not have known that there are at least 7456 things you can do with marshmallow fluff.
- I might never have learned the fine art of prespending 60% of my paycheck from the comfort of my home office chair in my jammies (thank you SO much, Knitpicks)
- I wouldn't have known that there are literally dozens of ways to mutilate and otherwise abuse Peeps....or that there are so many twisted individuals thinking up those ways.
- I might have missed seeing a close up photograph of a holy grilled cheese sandwich (remember the sandwich with the Virgin Mary on it?)
- I also might not have known that the woman with the sandwich had a likeness of the thing tattooed onto her breast. (Well, yeah...what would you do with a holy sandwich?)
- I would not have known just how many dangers are lurking in the world, trying to get me--like deodorant, underwire bras, and the invisible beams from cell phones.
- A logical follow-up to that last--I also wouldn't have known just how many people out there are a few french fries short of a happy meal.I wouldn't have known that I can knit a novelty yarn sweater for my cat (happily, the internet can also point me to the nearesty ER after I try to get the thing on the cat and am in need of 200+ sutures).
- I might never have heard about the woman whose cousin's sister's boyfriend's boss's brother's maid ate a handful of pop rocks washed down with coca cola and her stomach exploded. I would have completely missed the opportunity to download a free cowboy hat smiley for my e-mails
- It would have taken me much longer to figure out that I have all the wrong clothes (I have failed to replace my entire wardrobe every few months--can you imagine?), am too tall, am not blonde enough, am not an interesting enough lover, and am in dire need of botox and cellulite thigh cream.
- I would not now have the opportunity to choose from thousands of possible halloween costumes online, all of which boil down to assorted incarnations of prostitute--whether you want to be a witch, an angel, a goth fairy, or a nurse, you'll have your goodies hanging out.
- I wouldn't have learned that I have the symptoms of 47 rare diseases and can expect to live through next Tuesday at about 7:45 pm.
- I wouldn't have known what happens to spiders on drugs (watch this to the end--it is SO worth it!)
I also wouldn't have met you guys, though, and that really is the best part of all. Even better than spiders on drugs.