The Life and Times of Florence Knitingale

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Letters from the Edge

Dear Mother Nature:

Thank you so much for the recent delivery of pine needles and little orange things all over my newly planted garden. You know how I've always enjoyed your surprise deliveries (the 20 foot tree top you introduced to the hood of my car last December notwithstanding....and really, I don't hold a grudge). You were probably right--the freshly turned earth WAS a bit dull looking, and the layers of orange bits perked it right up. Problem is, now I can't find my new plants. Can you help?

Ms. K

Dear Mother Nature: I never really did think about how illogical it is to pull out a bunch of plants that you lovingly created in order to put new ones in. I guess it sort of does sound as though I think I know better than you do. I don't think that, though. And I didn't mean to "brutally tear them from the ground", either. I just really like some of the other wonderful things you've done and wanted a chance to enjoy those, too. So anyway, have you seen them? My purple thingies? Oh, and could you maybe send a few of the dandelions somewhere else? I'd really appreciate it.

Ms. K

Dear Mother Nature:

No, I had no idea how long it took you to make all those dandelions. That long? No, I didn't know they all had names, either. Yes, Donovan probably was a very sweet dandelion and yes, I am ashamed for foreshortening his fuzzy yellow life. Of course, I apologize. But did you notice how lovely the coral bells are? And the hostas? You made those, too...right? I've even been talking nicely to them (we can just pretend the whole "what the hell else do you WANT, damnit?" conversation with the puny lilacs never happened, can't we?). Now...have you seen the little purple flower thingies I planted anywhere at all?

Ms. K

Dear Mother Nature:

No, no....I certainly don't think of myself as weedist. And no, I didn't know that the blackberries and ivy prefer to be called "determined" and "boundary challenged", as opposed to "miserable little bastards taking over my yard." I'll work on that. And yes, I know the little wild violets that got snagged in the mower were purple flowers, too. I didn't see them in time. And no, my eyes don't need to be checked. I'll definitely watch for them next time and mow a neat little circle around them..or as neat as I can get with a riding mower that corners like a boxcar full of gumballs. Meanwhile...about those other purple flowers....?

Ms. K

Dear Ma N:

Okay, look. Enough with the "poor dandelions" thing. There was absolutely no need to turn my lovely purple flowers into a pile of mush-covered brown, crispy thing. Frankly, I find it a bit petty of you. Oh, and can you please stop with the little dandelion reinforcements into my freshly weeded garden? I get it--you already had a good idea for what to grow where. But show some mercy. I'm starting to fear that if the damned things get any more determined, they'll strangle me in my bed.

Ms. K


That's it--it's not funny anymore. Every single time I pull up a dandelion (gently, reverently, and giving it a proper composting, mind you--and yes, I'm sorry about Doris), you make 10 more of the little buggers! I'm thrilled that you like yellow so much. I do not like yellow. I like purple. And I like red. I don't suppose you could make red dandelions?



No, I don't think I'm some kind of comedian. Yes, I know that repainting all the dandelions red would be a huge task. No, I don't expect you to change all the dandelions all over the world just for me. But you know, if they quit turning up in my garden, I'll quit whining about it, how about that? I mean, wouldn't that be a win-win?


M. N.--

No, I had no idea how many other, better negotiatiors have tried this before me. Yes, I'm sorry for insulting your intelligence. Yes, I'll try to do better. What if I set aside one whole bed for nothing but dandelions? Could we maybe agree to each be in charge of one of the beds in my yard? You know, I won't bother yours and you won't bother mine?



Thistles? Now it's THISTLES?? Are you out of your tree-shaking, flower-killing, weed hustling litle mind?

You are SO not funny......

F. K.

p.s. Turning the lawn into a 80-20 moss to grass ratio wasn't that much of a chuckle, either. Bitch.


  • At 7:06 PM, Blogger Lynn said…

    One of several reasons I'm happy to be living in an apartment at the moment. No space for a garden, therefore no obligation to do so.

  • At 8:22 PM, Blogger Faren said…

    Yeah, yet another reason not to garden! But I really wish I had planted some tomatoes...
    Sorry about your dandelion woes!

  • At 11:33 PM, Anonymous angie Cox said…

    I think the citizens of Yorkshire might have a few words to say to her so she is likely hiding. For some reason she snatched all my poppies away this year , maybe hoping she could fob you off with a few as "red dandelions" ? I don't think she is in control of all those bad sprites at all. It's all starting to sound like the Midsummer Night's Dream we just watched.

  • At 11:51 PM, Blogger Jo said…

    hilarious! lmao! but seriously I had some pretty lilies that were about to bloom and it wasn' mother nature it was decimated by the red beetles, and looks a bit sad, flowers never even got to open!

  • At 4:42 AM, Anonymous MonicaPDX said…

    LOLOLOLOL! Yep, I'm another glad to be living in an apartment. (Well. When it comes to yardcare, anyway. Otherwise, I hate living in a box surrounded by other people in boxes.) No worries, mate; the apt. maintenance guys do all that stuff. I just have to look at it appreciatively. Ma Nature is probably glad, too; I'm pretty sure I'd kill outdoor plants just as well as I do the indoor ones.

    Although with the moss, maybe you could add some rocks and try a Japanese garden? Only then you've have problems mowing the grass that remains. Can't win for losing! Although maybe it could work - do Angora goats stick to eating grass, not moss? Do they breed mini-Angoras? Mohair and grass control, could be a plan...

  • At 4:56 AM, Blogger Marianne said…

    Oh my.....I'm thinking about all those folks out there who love the dandelions...for salads and wine, and....
    They've never bothered me that much......
    But please, tell me you're not referring to the lavender...please.

  • At 5:44 AM, Blogger Robin said…

    Ms K...I'm with you! Wanna start a petition?

  • At 7:04 AM, Blogger Kit said…

    Yeah, mother nature isn't fond of red tomatoes around here. They have refused to show any sign of blush despite being large and pendulous. Lousy green tomatoes.

  • At 7:51 AM, Blogger Kitty Mommy said…


    The only bright side I can see is that I'm pretty sure your garden lasted slightly longer than mine! Oh, and you are doing a much better job of keeping your sense of humor about it!

  • At 2:16 PM, Blogger picperfic said…

    your writing is hilarious and logical too! A superbly amusing post, clever you!


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